Quick Life Update

*The images pictured are of really random books I found at work...just made me laugh a little!*

So, I'm waiting for my medication to wear off (almost there!) so I can get some sleep, but I decided to fill the time writing a quick blog. I have a crazy busy work schedule this weekend--I closed tonight, I open in a few hours then I'm volunteering for my parents/the dance folk for Dare to Dance from about 6 to midnight, then I work all day on Sunday...plus I'm going to TRY to wake up before work in the morning and do a short run (30 minutes or so), but since I'm so NOT a morning person we'll see how this goes. With all the work I've been doing--and I'm so not complaining because I both like work and need the money--I haven't had much time to do much of anything. I cleaned my parents house the other day for a generous compensation and I've worked out twice this week so far. During my few and far between free moments, I've been continuing my progress on Eat, Pray, Love and have found myself rewatching old episodes of Friends--always and forever a favorite of mine--and Buffy the Vampire Slayer--such a classic! Also, the new season of Dancing with the Stars started this week, and I'm already obsessed. Of course, I've also been dutifully studying for the good ole GRE. Oh, the life of an adult.

I've found that when I want to be out with people doing something, it's always fun to go play pool, and often a few of my friends and I from work will meander over to one of a couple of local favorite pool halls to shoot a few games. Both places know us all pretty well, so we either get a major deal on games, or don't have to pay at all. That coupled with the fact that beer is usually about $2 apiece makes it a fun way to get out and blow off some steam. The best way to relieve stress for me, of course, is to run and do crunches, so I really am trying to do that as often as possible...and eat better when my cravings don't turn me into a junk food eating demon of sorts. Last I checked, I've lost around 12 pounds and FEEL so much better, so here's hoping I can keep this up! Alright folks...I know this was random, but I just felt like writing for a bit. Night night!

Books, Movies, Musings

Well, as always it seems, it has been entirely too long since I wrote a blog! Mainly I don't update often because there aren't frequent changes and world altering events in my day to day life. I don't mean this to be taken as I am trying to be derogatory to myself or the goings on in my world...it's just the truth, as I think it is for most people my age. There are always exceptions, of course, but I feel that many who post excessively are just repeating what has been happening since they last posted a few hours or days before. Since I don't care to read blogs like that, it would be pretty hypocritical for me to style my blog in such a way. I find that, in my own life, realizations and maturity comes over time, and sometimes relatively out of the blue. In this post, there are no mind blowing happenings or anything like that, but instead just some of my thoughts and a little update on what I've been up to as of late.

First, I (finally) went to see a psychologist. I was diagnosed with moderate to severe ADHD, as well as Depressive Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, with an anxiety component (personally, I think the anxiety is actually the force driving my depression and not the other way around, but let's not be petty). The ADHD diagnosis really didn't surprise me all that much, though I can't say the same for my parents (especially my mom) and some of my friends. The general disbelief doesn't really surprise me, because, as with so many other things in my life, I'm very good at hiding what I see to be underlying problems within my own psyche. Don't confuse this with hiding the symptoms of a lot of things (like all of my behaviors stemming from the depression), but instead understand that I mean the underlying causes. See, I went to a very small elementary school (my graduating class had 15 students), and then a smallish middle and high school (a little over 100...maybe 106?...students in that graduating class). In elementary school, there was pretty much guaranteed one-on-one time with the teacher at least a few times a week, if not everyday (which was the norm). In high school, teachers always had their doors open to help if and when they were able, and there were even designated help sessions during lunch and the activity period immediately following. Whenever something become too trying or difficult to understand, somebody was almost always available to explain the troublesome topic. That being said, I spent a lot of time in high school acquiring comments such as "Kelly has so much potential, but fails to follow through with assignments" and "Kelly is very bright, but seems easily distracted most of the time" and so on an so forth on my quarterly reports..which, as it turns out, is fairly typical of those with ADHD. Part of the issue, of course, was that I was on a hellacious path of destruction that took many, many years to overcome (at least to a functioning degree...I continue to struggle with those issues and always will). I knew then, as I know even more so now, that these issues played a large part in my educational issues. It wasn't until I went to college that I fully began to understand that there may be more to blame that just eating disorders and the like running rampant throughout my mind. As Ole Miss was much larger than either of the other schools I had attended (though it is, by SEC university standards relatively small), I began to realize that learning didn't always come easily to me, since distracting me from my work was a pretty simple task. For a long time, I blamed work and the ever present partying--which I realize both played a part--on my inability to quickly and successfully complete assignments, tests, and other school related activities. The only classes I truly remember having no problems with were my Social Psychology and Introduction to Fiction Writing classes, and that was only because I loved them so much that it never seemed like work. Observing everyday people and deciphering what their actions, reactions, gestures, words, and so forth revealed about each individual and society as a whole? So interesting and applicable that I would actually be somewhat sad when the assigments were complete. Taking personalized and shared life experiences and using them to construct a fictitious story? Complete and utter heaven to a reading and writing nerd. That reminds me--a common question I have been getting since my ADHD diagnosis is how I was--and am--able to read so much so quickly and retain the information if I had trouble with focus, concentration, applying and so forth. I thought it a bit strange too, until I realized that the types of writing I so eagerly and easily peruse all relate to topics that I very much enjoy (true crime, psychology--linguistics, eating disorders, self-mutilation, anxiety, etc., biographies) and therefore, like with Social Psych and Intro. to Fiction Writing, I never considered them work. When I had to take Shakespeare, Cognition and Perception lab, and others that I didn't enjoy, it was a much more laborious task. If it hadn't been for Sparknotes and the mandatory end of the semester assignment of acting out a scene from one of the plays, I would not have faired so well in Shakespeare, just to give an example! As I said, however, I hid my frustration in my studies pretty well, so most people didn't know that I had any issues at all.

I should have known that I may have ADHD after strenuous exam weeks (even more so because in addition to taking exams for 5 classes, I also had work 35-40 hours that week and of course had to actually study for said exams). I naively didn't give a second thought to what this could mean, and continued to struggle the majority of the time. I graduated, though not with the GPA I had hoped I would have, and didn't really start to worry until I started studying for my GRE... and realized I, quite simply, couldn't do it. I finally relented and went to see the doctor, and (voila!) it turns out there was a reason for my struggles. I've been prescribed medication, and am figuring out my dosage this month to see what I will be on long term--and for right now that medication only applies to the ADHD, because my doctor wants to see if the anxiety and depression depend in large part on my frustration with the ADHD. So far, that seems to be the case, but the possibility of beginning a second medication for anxiety/depression still sits on the backburner. Right now, the medication is helping me a great deal, and it seems that I have gotten more accomplished in studying for the GRE in the past month than in the 6 before that combined. Who knew, right? My psychologist also recommended counseling periodically when I think I may need it (feeling overwhelmed, unprepared, particularly depressed, etc.), but those sessions will be few and far between for me and definitely with a less expensive therapist. Also important to note, my diagnosis came with what was deeme a minor obsessive tendency, which I found relieving as I have always found myself to be slightly obsessive when it comes to certain rituals (such as checking an even number of times to see if my apartment door is locked, my lights are off in my car, that the windows in my car are rolled up, etc.)

In other news, I work all the time...and yet, never enough it seems. I hate living paycheck to paycheck and look forward to the day when I won't have to quite as much...however far in the future that may be. For the most part I still enjoy my job, and love the people I work with. I get frustrated sometimes, but I'm beginning to realize this has more to do with my own desire to be working in the psychological field and less with the job or even my life itself. With the work discussion always comes a favorite topic of mine--good books I've read/am currently reading/ want to read in the near future!

One that I thoroughly enjoyed was The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. I picked up this book after having at least a dozen people recommend it to me. I either had a day off or was feeling a little ill and decided to read a couple of chapters of it just to see if I would like the style of writing and the story itself...and finished the entire book that day. Walls has a very unique writing style that sucks you in and is most enjoyable to read. Within the story (which is Walls' biography) there are a great number of paradoxical moments and situations, leaving you at times feeling like you have great disdain for her parents and at others like you wish you had been so lucky to live her life as she did with them. I highly recommend this book to those who love biographies and psychology--but also to anybody who just wants to read a very good book. I eagerly look forward to reading Half Broke Horses, which is a fictional work based on the life of (I believe) Walls' own grandmother.

The second book that readily comes to mind is Genie: A Scientific Tragedy by Russ Rymer, which is a scientifically written book about the real life story of "Genie" (her named was changed years ago to protect her identity), the modern day "wild child" who was spent the majority of her first 13 years of life strapped to a "potty chair" (at night, if she was not forgotten, she was moved to an enlarged crib with wire mesh over the top and restraints attached to all four sides). She was not allowed to speak--and was indeed beaten with a large stick or growled at like a dog by her father for vocalizing at all--and she was not potty trained nor could she walk like a normal person (she had a peculiar "bunny walk" with her arms held up close to her chest and her knees bowed inwards). She was only discovered when her mother--also considered a victim...and while I think she was to a large extent, I think she was also abusive to Genie, especially later in life-- escaped with Genie and attempted to receive disability payments for the blind. Social workers couldn't help but ask about the frail girl cowering behind her mother, whom they believed to be no more than 7 or 8 years old and autistic. When they discovered that she was in fact less than half a year away from turning 14, she was taken into protective services and both her parents were arrested. Her mother was found not guilty of neglect, malnourishment, abuse, and so on and so forth because of her own victim status, and her father commited suicide before ever having to stand trial for his actions. Genie became a ward of the state, and in actuality, of science itself. Rymer's explanations of the events, as well as the actions, statements, and beliefs of the different members assigned to Genie's case, fused together an interesting story. Though it contained a lot more science terminology than I was prepared for (but also helped me with some of my GRE vocab words--bonus!), but the story was extremely interesting. I have finishe the book and I'm actually reading it a second time, highlighting phrases and ideas and defining the more difficult words as I go. Genie is definitely not for everybody, but I do recommend it to anybody interested in the human psyche, linguistics, and science in general--but be prepared for a sad, unfair story and "ending" (Genie is still alive today).

For fun, I have read a few books by Lisa Scottoline, and if I rememeber correctly, the one I enjoyed most was Look Again (which was the first book I read by her). Her books are well researched (many have some relevance or connection to lawyers and judges), but mostly just fun, quick reads. After a few of hers, I had to pick up works by other authors, because her books tend to become repetitive (to me of course--much like Jodi Picoult's after a while). This is only my opinion of course, and I definitely recommend her as an author.

A perk of my job is that we sometimes get to read (and keep!) books before they are released to the general public, and at the last meeting I actually got a few good ones, many of which I can't remember right now--sorry! One I do remember is Matched by Ally Condie, which I found to be a quick and relatively enjoyable read--nothing spectacular, but a good light read. Another was The Other Family by Joanna Trollope, which I only read a few pages of but found to have a dull start. Granted, I was on reading overload at that point, and I plan to revisit it in the future. It is now on a National Book Club list, so others seem to have enjoyed it.

Right now, I'm (slowly) reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. So far, I really like her writing style and bits of humor she throws into the mix, and the reading is only going slowly because I'm spending so much of my time studying at the moment. I look forward to finishing the book so my mother can read it and we can discuss it together. After I finish that book, I'm going to start the Steig Larsson series (the first is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo--it is a trilogy, and the 3rd book is currently number one on our Top Ten, as I'm sure it is on others as well). I'm very excited to start the series, though I'm glad I've been told that it is a little confusing for the first 100 pages or so. As of right now, those are the only books I can think of that have made any sort of impression on me. I will try to include my suggestions (as well as those I don't personally care for) for books and also for movies each time I blog--including at least a short, but hopefully not one that ruins the story for you, reasoning as to why I liked the story/film or why I did not care for it.

As far as movies go, I have only seen a few recently. The latest one I saw with my parents and Allie (the roommate if you don't recall) a couple of weekends ago, and I found The Karate Kid to be very entertaining, with enough similarities to the original and a couple of small parodies of big moments from the old ones to touch a soft spot with those who remember vividly seeing the first ones in theaters. Jaden Smith is a terrific little actor (although he comes by it honestly to be sure), and he played convincingly both the humorous moments as well as the poignant ones. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, though just for a cuteness factor and not expecting to be completely blown away. Similar in the feelings it brought out in me was Beezus and Ramona. Growing up I read and loved every single one of the Ramona books, so I went into the movie with an open mind so as not to be disappointed by discrepancies and mistakes--I shouldn't have worried at all! Though the movie did differ a bit from the book (for one thing, it combined many of the books), none of the changes were dramatic and were, in fact, to be expected for such an adaptation. Joey King played Ramona wonderfully, capturing her lovable charm and unforgettable antics seemingly without a hitch; Selena Gomez has always been a favorite of mine since as of yet she has stayed true to herself while still being a typical teen, and she played Beezus very well--albeit perhaps a tad bit too sweet. All in all, it was a great movie that brought me back to my childhood (making me want to reread the whole series!)...and yes, made me cry.

The next film to mention is Mockingbird Don't Sing, which I won't go into much detail about because it is about the Genie story I was talking about earlier in my book "section", except to say that they remained pretty truthful to the reality presented in Russ Rymer's book, changing only names and a few minor aspects of the film. Tarra Steele, who played "Katie" (Genie), did such a remarkable job that I was at times speechless. I only stumbled across the movie after discovering Rymer's book and reading into the story, and I was thrilled to discover it was on Netflix Instant (my true love)! It is one of those films that I have watched several times because it intrigues me so....much like how I am rereading Rymer's book. I'm an odd one though, so keep that in mind. Also remember, I view and critique movies like this one much like I do with a film like Schindler's List...I find them first and foremost tragically sad and a horrific view of human capacity for evil, but I also see them as fascinating and a learning tool because they feed directly into my study (and love of everything) psychology.

Probably my favorite movie I've seen somewhat recently (if I had to pick just one, especially a mainstream one) was Inception. Much as I enjoyed Shutter Island, I found the many levels of Inception to be comfortably confusing (meaning they took some pondering but I enjoyed the process of trying to figure them out) and after my Dad and I saw it we stood outside the theater trying to decipher the true outcome of the film and also how many levels into the dream world they truly entered. It was a fun thriller that really made you think, and I was once again impressed by Leonardo DiCaprio (in a much different way than I was when I was 12 and saw Titanic for the first time haha) and also by Ellen Page, who has shown remarkable range in films such as this one, Juno, An American Crime, and Whip It. Consequently, if anybody hasn't seen An American Crime, this is one to watch for sure! Inception proved to be all that it promised to be and, for me, much more. I loved it!

Hmmm...maybe now people will realize why I don't blog all that much? I write a ton of stuff and it takes me what seems like forever to finish all of my thoughts...or at least the ones I don't forget until later. I'm not really complaining, of course, because I love a chance to get everything out (the myself as well as others) so I can better understand and handle what my life is throwing at me at any given time. It is kind of tiring, but a very nice break from GRE studying. So, what's next for me? I have a few ideas of what I'd like to see happen in my life in the next few weeks and months, though I certainly hope these aren't all I do and experience and I doubt all of them will be accomplished as planned.

• For starters, I'd like to take my GRE at the end (but before Halloween weekend, when I will be in Oxford, MS for the Ole Miss-Auburn game and to see some of my precious friends. I fear that if I hold off until after the game, I won't be quite as driven as I am now to study hard, retain information, and apply myself. This means that I'm shooting for the end of the last week in October (probably Wednesday or Thursday).
• I would like to get a (second) job that somehow, if not completely, relates or ties into my field. Secretarial work or the like is fine, as long as it gets my foot in the door and keeps me thinking about graduate school. This does NOT mean that I want to quit my current job at all, so if anybody reads this and interprets as such...you are mistaken.
• Speaking of graduate school, I would like to be enrolled and starting in classes no later than the Fall semester of 2011. I would prefer to be in school by Spring 2011, but I'm not sure how that will work out with taking the GRE later in the fall (I'm sure there is a somewhat lengthy waiting period to get results back, then I have to worry about scholarships and loans to go to school, and then getting accepted into school and working all of that out). It would be wonderful if I could complete the program within a year and a half and be out by the end of the Fall semester 2012, but if it ends up being the end of Spring semester 2013, that would be okay (especially seeing as how I will still have to work a substantial amount of hours while in school). A bright spot in all of this is that my parents surprised me by telling me that they are going to pay for the GRE exam! This is a big, BIG relief.
  
• I would love to be out and working very closely with a certified psychologist immediately following graduation from graduate school, whenever that end occurs. I will need to figure out how I have to go abou getting certified after I have completed school. I desparately want to be helping people as so many great therapists helped me (don't worry--I had my fair share of very bad ones too--and they've inspired me to treat people exactly the opposite of how they did...you know, life humans).
  
• I would like to finish the preliminary draft of my autobiography (the one I've been working on since I was 19), though I don't think I'll try to get it published in the near future....but I want to one day.
• Similarly, I want to publish my short story from Beginning Fiction Workshop in some sort of psychologically-based magazine, newspaper, or newsletter. Also, I'd like to write several other short stories and see if I might be able to get them published as well. Though a small profit would always be nice, I also want to get at the very least my already written (but yet to be seriously tweaked) short story out for public consumption. I desire this for the feedback, but also in hopes that it will help somebody--anybody--out there who feels a connection to the story. (If anybody cares to see the current copy, let me know!)
  
• I would love to begin work on a novel--nothing too serious but more as an intriguing look at life as I see it. Hmm....this will take some thought.
  
• It would be nice to get a new (to me) car (I love Dixie, but she is old and not as reliable as she once was) and also a small house to live in within the next few years.
  
• I want to save up a little money (haha seems downright absurd right now) and travel a few places; namely right now I'd like to visit my friends in Mississippi a few more times, visit Lauren in Iowa, finally stay for about a week with Karen in D.C., live up to my promise to visit Iz (though not in college like I was supposed to, but in San Fransisco), and hopefully visit Jamie and Erika as well. I'll gain quite the eclectic travel stories if I ever get to go to these places. Also, of course, Ole Miss games at least once a year---gotta hit up The Grove, since it is "The Spot that Ever Calls".
  
• Have a little money to help throw some great bachelorette parties for Erika (this December) and Jamie...plus anybody else who throws me for a loop and decides to get married.
• Read at least one book a month, but preferring to make this 2 a month. I want to continue to expand my horizons by reading a variety of genres and authors and analyzing them accordingly.
• Work out at least a couple of times a week (it'd be nice to say 3 times a week at the least, but I'm being practical) and integrate running back into that schedule--get those bands that support both knees. I miss running and working out in general and I think it will always help me feel a little better, though I don't think it will "cure" my issues as some may believe. I want to say run a marathon, and I do hope to do that in the future, but I'll start small.
  
• On a simply fun note, I want to go skydiving (I've been indoor skydiving, and while it was fun, I doubt it compares) and bungee jumping. Preferably both, but if I have to pick one... skydiving.
  
• I'm sure I'm forgetting things, as I usually do, but I at least got a good start!
  

Well, I guess that's it for now. If anybody actually reads this AND makes it this far--way to be a team player! Haha...I'm still always a little bit of a loser...I've learned to embrace this. I'll try--as I always say--to update a little bit more frequently, but only as I deem it necessary to avoid boredom with my life. At the very least, if I read a great new book or see a fantastic movie, I'll try to put just little reviews up on here as well. That is all for now...if there are typos or the pictures get messed up when I actuually post this....sorry. Oh, and here's a picture of my awesome hot pink nails! Just to end on a high note...

Life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

It seems all I do these days is work, and then that wears me out so much that on my few and far between days off, I simply crash. I'm not complaining about the workload, but I do wish I didn't have to work as much as I do. It's still uber depressing when, within two days of payday, but bank account is nearly depleted because of bills. I know, I know--welcome to the real world, right? The reality of the situation is that I've been living in the so-called "real world" for quite some time, and it sure hasn't gotten any easier. Sorry--just felt like complaining. So, let's see...I haven't updated my blog in about 3 months, so I guess I should play catch up a little bit.
One of the big changes would have to be that I'm no longer in Rachael's wedding. I won't even be attending it, actually. Since this is a public blog--even if very few people read it--I'm not going into specifics of why this came to be. The few who need to know are aware of what happened, and that's enough. I still love Rachael very much, and I miss her every single day, but life sometimes happens differently than we plan. Life since my Oxford days has changed quite a bit, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it pains me and literally brings me to tears sometimes to think back on those days when I was so very happy and life--though busy--was so much easier. I miss the closeness, and that knowledge that your friends had your back, no matter what. My girls have always been amazing, and it hurts so much not to be closer to so many of them.
I have recently purchased GRE flashcards and borrowed some study guides from friends, so I'm slowly preparing to take the GRE late this summer and hopefully be in grad school by fall or spring at the latest. I miss discussing Psychology and learning new facts all the time. I hope that I will one day realize my dream of being a well-respected therapist.
Allie turned 21 in April, and her party was so much fun! I bought her a flask, and we had people over to our apartment before going out and painting the town red! Haha it was fun, and it's awesome that we can go out wherever we want now, money permitting of course. My 24th birthday (can you believe it?!) was a lot of fun too , and I love my friends so much for making it so special for me--and for getting me obliterated like every good birthday girl should be ;). Love y'all!

Recently, I've had to witness one of my best friends, Kristin, be put through hell by somebody who claimed to be her good friend. Let me tell you--repeatedly embarrassing somebody, failing to ever be there for them when they need it, and talking about them behind their back (and making up a lot of lies in the process) does not make a good friend--or a friend at all. People who really know Kristin know that she has a heart of gold, and though she is blunt with her opinions, they are not intended to hurt anybody. She knows more about me than just about anybody, and has never (no matter how mad we may be at each other on rare occasions) used any of my past demons or issues against me. I doubt it has ever even crossed her mind, because she would never stoop so low. Though I hate to hear her being talked about, this has served to make me so grateful for the wonderful friends I have been blessed with--and even more blessed to still have them in my life. What goes around comes around for sure, and I am reminded every day that I am incredibly lucky.
That being said, I'm not a particularly happy person right now--and sometimes I just don't know why. I know at this point in my life that not always knowing is okay, and I just have to work through it. I feel like something is missing from my life (apart from the ridiculous physical distance between me and some of my best friends), and I hope that school will help that. I love to learn, and even study, so I need to be immersed in that life again. I miss Ole Miss so much sometimes it is physically painful. There is no place in the world quite like that little town of Oxford, and I am so glad I was able to spend 5 years of my life there. Missing it reminds me how lucky I was to have that time and opportunity. The lessons I learned, both inside the classroom and out, as well as the friendships I formed while there are priceless and can never be replaced. Since I've been back in Chattanooga, I have loved making new great friends and spending time with my parents about once a week instead of two or three times a year. Part of me still feels like Oxford is home also, and it still remains confusing seeing as how a piece of my heart remains there and probably will forever. It seems like I'm complaining, but I do know that few people are fortunate enough to have two places that will always feel exactly like coming home.

The new friends I've made here are so funny and awesome, and sometimes they remind me so much of my Oxford and GPS girls. Allie is still a stellar roommate, and I count friends like Laura, Tim, Murphy, Evie, Allison, and Kayla to be some of my new angels on Earth. They are all extremely loyal--and always make me laugh to the point where catching my breath seems like an impossible task. How'd I get so lucky? That reminds me that Jamie came into town and stopped by my work to see me a couple of days ago--and I was ecstatic! I miss Karen, Jamie, Iz, and Erika so very much, but I'm thrilled that they are all doing so well in life. I still can't belive Erika and Jamie are both engaged--are we really old enough for that?! I can't wait to see Karen soon, and I hope to see all of them in the near future. Also, I'm ready for July to see Elise and Kristin. These plans keep me going sometimes, I swear! At any rate, tomorrow is one of my few and precious days off--so I'm going to play tonight! I'll try to blog soon, but no promises!

Days off

So this seems to be how I spend my days off unless I have something very specific planned, like meeting a friend for dinner and a movie or organizing my parents house to get ready for their new hardwood floors. Next weekend my plan will include going to Oxford, but only for about a day and a half.Today I woke up at around 12:30 only because the need to go to the bathroom outweighed my need to stay warm under the covers. I fed the three spoiled rotten cats who live in the apartment.

Keo is Allie's fluffy cat who is part Maine Coon but I don't know what else. He's very sweet and lazy.










Copper is the cat I adopted from McKamey's--or he adopted me is more like it. He's a mess and gets into everything and cuddles and is adorable.










Karma is the kitten I fell in love with who would have been taken to the pound had I not decided to keep her. She's the baby of the family and squeaks instead of meows.


Sorry, just wanted an excuse to put pictures up of the cute, furry babies I live I call my kids and nephew. Anyway, I doubt I'll do much of anything else today, mostly because of the money situation I often find myself in the day before payday. I have $0.34 in my account. Oh yes, you didn't misread that--that would be less than a dollar. Growing up is expensive for sure, and between rent, my cell phone, car insurance, gas, food, entertainment, groceries, and very soon to be health insurance, there just isn't money left over and I need it right now for all the stuff I have to do in the coming months. But I digress. See, I have an issue with how my mind functions on days off as opposed to days I'm working. When I work, I want to accomplish a lot of things on the job and off of it--so this is when I tend to run my errands and/or clean the apartment (primarily the litterbox, which is a major task for sure). That's all fine and dandy, but seeing as how I work anywhere between 7 1/2 to 11 hours, I should be just too exhausted to do much else and therefore get to sleep early and wake up at an effective time on days off to accomplish tasks, but my mind can't seem to wrap itself around this idea.
I seem to have the strangest cause of pseudo-insomnia known to man, because there can be up to 72 hours where I just can NOT get to sleep, no matter how many of my "sure-fire" methods I employ, such as turning off all the lights (not really my cup of tea but I try), reading with just the bedside lamp on, or putting on a movie I've seen a million times. Other times, however, I can sleep for over 12 hours at a time, and the two don't always happen back-to-back. Any idea of what in the world is going on? I don't mean google it either, because I plan to go to the doctor soon, but just wondering if anybody has experienced this for no particular reason or knows any other helpful ways to fall asleep.

I discovered a website that is great for watching movies still in theaters, so basically I have yet another way to be a movie nerd. The book nerd thing is pretty well taken care of by working in a bookstore and reading all the time, but between Netflix, watchmovies24.net , my movie collections (both DVD and VHS), and being friends with people who love to go out to the movies all the time--I'm pretty well set on seeing just about whatever I want (and some I don't). I don't write nearly as much as I used to, and I do miss it a lot. When all is said and done though, exhaustion hits my brain long before it hits my body, so it's a lot harder to write late at night than read (or watch) other people's work or clean house.

I've enjoyed the time to myself while Allie has been in Florida, but I do miss her. I realize that I'm very much a person who likes to have others around, but I've developed a need for alone time as well. As I get older, I believe a healthy balance is forming, but I don't think I'd want to live alone all the time. I'm guessing I'll have roommates until I find whatever guy is lucky--and crazy--enough to marry me. At any rate, it's so nice to have somebody to talk to and laugh with and who enjoys (mostly) the same movies you do and truly cares about you. I've been incredibly blessed with friends, but I also see that it's a rarity to find friends like I have. So many people are so much out for themselves that they don't care at all to help out others or spend the time to care. My friends do care, and while they're not perfect, they would do all they can to see I'm not hurt. Many of my closest friends told me, during my various relapses and breaking points, that they didn't know what to do or how to fix my situation. Here's the thing--you can't fix it and the greatest gift for me was simply the notion that they were listening and loving me. Often, if you take the time to listen to what somebody is saying--I mean, really listen--they will slowly figure out what to do on their own. Allie is one of those people who is great at listening, and I'm so grateful for that. Also, I suggest you not insult me in front of her--she's got a wicked temper.

My roommates have all been pretty different, except that they are all quirky and hilarious and protective and smart and gorgeous--just all in different ways. I can only hope that I've been as good to them as they've been to me, and make sure I always treat them, and all of my wonderful friends and family, with the respect I know they deserve. I mean, come on, they put up with me.



Anyway, I think I'm going to go search for food and try to accomplish something and turn around my work day/ day off trend. Wish me luck.
P.S. I should be going out on a date soon with the guy I mentioned in a previous blog! I'm keeping it all on the DL until I see how it goes :)

Very brief...

So I know I have very few readers on here, and I actually prefer it that way, but I'll give a quick update anyway. The past week has been relatively mundane, as per usual, with work and hanging out with friends. I am talking to a new guy, so I guess we'll see how that turns out. Next weekend, I'm going to Oxford for a couple of days with my parents, and I can't wait to get away for a little while. I'm fed up with work, yet still grateful for the job of course, and I just need a couple of days to be away from it all! Other than that, not much has been going on. I've been breaking out the VHS tapes as of late, and that's always fun since I actually have more of those than DVDs, and thats saying something. Allie is going out of town for Spring Break tomorrow, and I'm jealous but I also know that I have a lot of stuff coming up in the next few months so I won't lament too long about that loss. I'm going to keep this short and post a few pictures from over the holidays...enjoy!

Months and months later...

There is no way I could fit in the last 8 months into one single blog, but I'll try to hit the highlights. I have a job at a bookstore that I really enjoy the vast majority of the time--as with any job, it can't be all the time, right? Most importantly, I've made some great new friends here, and have moved into an apartment with one of them (Allie works in the cafe and we have so, so much fun living here!). Bella was lost (yet I believe stolen) and I was devastated by her loss--but Copper and Karma fill the void as much as possible. I still miss Oxford all the time, but it is becoming easier to handle; I do know that a part of my heart will always miss and yearn for that little town. I became so much of who I am because of it, so how could it not? Since I still talk to my friends from Oxford, and my high school Chattanooga friends, fairly regularly, it is much easier to handle.
Oh yes, Rachael (forever Sprinkles or Sprink-a-link to me) is getting married this summer! MARRIED!! I still find it hard to believe, and I am so happy for her. The best part is her happiness, of course, but being handed the privilege of being maid of honor comes in as a close second. I'm nervous about getting all the planning done, and the speech both terrifies me and exhilarates me. It isn't often that you get to make a little fun of your friends, while still expresses as best you can with words just how much their friendship means to you. It's exhausting to think about, but something that I look forward to as a precious gift to write. My parents have been invaluable with helping me adjust to moving again, always offering nights at their house (I think they may miss me again), or dinner, or happy hour (when did this become so normal?) or help with buying food. At 23 (almost 24 but I do NOT want to talk about THAT), I've learned a few things--and I'm fully aware I have much left to learn. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. Oooh sidenote speaking of age--Allie turns 21 in April and I'm stoked about throwing her one heck of a party! I'm just going to pretend I'm 21 again too for a little while. That should work. I got a new tattoo, a simple red one on my wrist that says "love" in cursive, and I love it. I realize it is visible much of the time, but I don't mind. For one thing, the world always needs me love. Second, it stands for--and shows my immense gratitude and support for--the organization 'To Write Love on Her Arms' (twolha.com). Third, it is a gentle, beautiful reminder that the way I used to treat myself, something that I struggle everyday to continue to overcome, is not the best possible solution. It is often the quickest, yes, but the sense of dread and emptiness later is hard to handle even now. These issues will always remain intertwined in my heart and mind, but I am stronger than them now if I allow myself to be. My friends have been amazing, and there are so many things I could have never overcome without them, but it is me alone that is pulling myself away from that rocky edge time and time again. There is so much beauty in the world, and even when the shadow of the worst kind of sadness overpowers me, I try to look around--at people, animals, the sky and the grass--and realize that there is so much that I have yet to see. Being here, meeting the people I have, learning lessons that are tough but necessary, laughing so hard you feel that breathing is an incomparable task, being surrounded by hugs and love, crying for everything that has ever happened and nothing at all--that's LIFE.

I could live a lifetime convincing myself and others that clinical depression is easy to overcome, and as a therapist I want to have the tools to make it as easy as possible to live with, but the truth is that it never goes away. I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point in time this became a good thing. Every tear and so much worse are slowly shaping me into a person I'm being to like a lot. I'm not perfect, and I'm glad I won't ever have the illusion that this is possible, but I have a lot to teach and a lot to learn. Gifts come in all sorts of packages, and the most beloved are sometimes difficult to comprehend and challenging to explain. You know what? I'm not ashamed of my emotional and physical scars, though I am slower to trust and more forgiving in the reactions of others, and I won't try to hide behind other explanations for how I can sometimes be. I have clinical depression, which allows me to empathize so much with others and build up my own strengths while accepting my weaknesses. It's not a death sentence, but it is certainly not something to be taken lightly.
Well, it wouldn't be a Kelly blog if I didn't wander off in my own mind and discover things. I pray that I never stop learning, and more importantly, that I never want to stop. As always, I hope that I can pour out my strength, love and compassion and only let trickle despair and anger. If all goes according to plan, I will be in a Master's program (for either counseling-with the hope of one day attaining my PhD in Clinical Psych-or starting out with a master's in Clinical and find out what happens from there) by the fall. This means, of course, that I have to find a way to pay for it, most likely with loans that will be difficult to get with my credit history, study for and take my GRE, and make that final decision. Admidst this, I'm officially full time at my job--so hopefully my benefits kick in before I'm off my parents in May--and often work over 40 hours a week (not complaining--I need and enjoy the money), and I also have a 21st birthday to plan for April, my own small shindig in May, Sprinks bachelorette party and wedding in July (and a little something for Elise since it falls so close to the wedding), and small get together for my parents 30th wedding anniversary in August. Even though it nearly makes me crazy just THINKING about it, I know that hard work in every facet in my life will pay off for something amazing. Looking into only the rest of the year, I'm excited to have so many occasions to celebrate life and my family and friends. Harder to imagine at the moment is the happiness that I will bring to the lives of so many, and also myself, in being a therapist one day. It's a job that I have always had a lot of respect for, and I hope that one day I can lead by example.
Oh yes, lastly before I go for this blog and resume at a later time, perhaps the most exciting part of my life since moving back to Chattanooga is that my brother came back safely from Afghanistan--with his humor and compassion still intact. So many people warned me that when he came back, more so from the second tour than the first since it was much more dangerous, he would be so different. Yes, he has matured and has a lot to tell, but he is still the same big brother at heart. He made it back into the states right in time for Thanksgiving 2009, but I wasn't able to be there to greet him because of work and schedule constraints. I fought this over in my head for a long time, but I knew that I couldn't leave work for nearly a week at that point in time. Though sad at first, he of course forgave me. I spent Thanksgiving with my mom's best friend Amy's family (not to be mistaken for my aunt Amy, whom I haven't actually seen in a few years now--but alas another blog entirely) for lunch and my friend Allison's family (not my roommate Allie, mind you, but she also works with us) for dinner. Allie came along for both meals, since her family went to visit family out of state for the holiday and it didn't make sense monetarily or time-wise for her to go and try and get back for work in time. Of course, the more the merrier for me--and luckily for those that were gracious enough to allow us to celebrate with them--and I was grateful to have her along with me for both of them. With a few pretty momentous exceptions, I have been pretty lucky in the roommate scheme of things. Looking back, the crazy roommates just make me laugh at them now, and I hold onto only the fondest memories from the good ones--Kristin, Elise, and Allie. If I wanted to, there are numerous spats that I could dwell on, but why would I do that? Such a waste of time and energy--and space for those good memories.
Brent (the brother) was back in Chattanooga for the Christmas holidays and festivities, and we had a blast. We visited our old elementary school and got to feel at once very old and very young. We went out drinking together and thought of times past and where we've come. He told me a few scary, but mostly sad, war stories. I'm grateful he shared with me, but sometimes I wish he hadn't. While my respect for him grew, I realized the sorrow he had seen and felt, and it was a new kind of sad--kind of like in one of my favorite books of all time, The Giver, when Jonas realizes that in order to feel and appreciate the new wonderful sensations, he must confront and experience the bad. I gave a few friend gifts out for Christmas, most of all to Allie since she was very close to being my roommate at this point, and the family had a pretty awesome Christmas too. I got my Dad an Ipod, my mother a pretty jacket that I'm still jealous of and matching earrings along with some charms for her bracelet, and my brother a Wii. Not that only money matters, but it felt nice to be able to give gifts that were both wanted and appreciated this past year. I got a lot of great stuff--like my TomTom and my pink Ipod--and generally just enjoyed family time, food, and wine. I was sad to go back to work on December 27th, and even more so when Brent headed back to North Carolina, but like I said before, that's LIFE. It happens, and we all have to embrace those fleeting moments and look forward to new adventures. If my past is any indication, my future will be full of momentous occasions, devastating defeats, thrilling victories, and challenges that will test everything I've ever known--with people to support me when I fall and celebrate with me when I triumph. Oh, and to laugh with me--always to help me remember to laugh.

For now, this is all, but I hope to keep up with this with as much regularity as possible. No promises on anything specific--such as a daily or even a weekly entry because honestly my life isn't ALWAYS that interesting or it may be hard to put into words if it is very difficult--but it also won't be 8 months before the next one either. There are parts of the last 8 that I haven't even discussed here, and some that have more detail than others, so I will do my best to write anything I may have missed or explained incorrectly in future blogs--without taking away from what those may say about what's happening now or what hopes I may have added to the stack. I'm going to try my best to live for the present, respect and learn from the past, and anticipate the future without too many whining or angry days.
No promises on that, either.

Not quite the tragedy I imagined

So I've been living back home for about 2 weeks now...and things are going really well. My parents and I had a few spats in the beginning, but it seems like those are going to be few and far between. Amazing! I've had job interviews at 2 different places, one full time and one part time, and I'll work both if I get them. Keep those fingers crossed! Otherwise, it's great to constantly be reminded how wonderful my friends are--no matter how far apart we may be in distance. Also, Bella is becoming an outside cat, and she seems to love it!! All is going well right now. More later, but I should be off to bed now. I'm trying to get into a more "normal" sleep routine, because if I get my jobs one is from 8 AM to 4 PM and the other will go from about 5 PM to midnight and of course weekends. I won't be working the part time everyday if I get the full time too, but I might want to get some sleep while I can. Night night!


Oh, and I got my hair chopped off and sent to Locks of Love. I plan to give blood soon, and I've been doing volunteer work too! :)