Things, they are a-changin'...I hope.

I have made some big decisions over the past few weeks...ones that I hope work out! I doubt it's any secret that I've been trying to find ways back to Oxford pretty much since I got back to Chattanooga, even amidst a lot of fun experiences and the formation of true, lasting friendships here. Though I've spent 20 years of my life in Chattanooga and only 5 years in Oxford, Ole Miss will always feel like home. I've felt that way since the first day I walked on that beautiful campus, and I understood it even more deeply when I ripped out a piece of my heart and decided to move away. Obviously, I don't regret moving home--I've made wonderful friends and created memories that will last a lifetime, and I would have missed out on all of that had I stayed in Oxford. But now? It's time to go home.
Of course, at 25 I both have to be and enjoy being more organized, so I can't imagine myself even attempting to just up and move without a set plan for everything (job, insurance, lodging). It just seems implausible to me now, which is different from my early 20s for sure. Granted, because of my ongoing money struggle and busy work and school loads then, I typically couldn't take a random trip anytime I wanted anyway...but when I could, I certainly did! Sooo...how will I get home? Law school!
A few weeks ago, I helped my Dad out with a road project in Cleveland, TN. Now, my Dad has been telling me since I was about two that I would make a great attorney, but I never really considered it much of an option. When I was a kid, my dream was to be a doctor, and that lasted until I went to Ole Miss and took Pre-Med Biology...and realized, I suck at biology. Obviously, that's kind of an important subject to excel in when considering Med school. For a semester or so, I kind of floated in college major limbo--and then fell in love with Psychology. I love it more and more every day, and also find a way to use it pretty often in my every day life. My only major college regret is that I didn't persevere and get a second major in English. I mean, I was only two classes shy! Now, I'm totally pissed at myself for not finishing up that major, but at the time I was just burned out. So much so that I even thought I had grown sick of Oxford, which I discovered to be completely and totally untrue...about 5 minutes after arriving back in Chattanooga. Le sigh--life moves on. Anyway, I think I also shied away from considering law school because I always worried my temper would get me into tons of trouble with judges. Yes, my temper is still there, but after 10 years of working in customer service and the maturity that comes with age, I feel that I'm able to control it much better. So, as it turns out, I'm pretty good with the law. My dad could ask me all kinds of random questions regarding what I was working on, and I would be able to regurgitate the information. And in a weird way, it was a fun project. Suddenly, law school became a definite possibility.
So--I'm taking the LSAT in December, and hopefully all will go well so I can start law school next fall--in OXFORD! Fingers crossed, please! Elise has moved back to Oxford, and we're planning on on being roommates again--hopefully in a house. She's a great roommate, so that's awesome, and it will be nice to be moving back there with a built-in friend waiting for me. I just pray I get into Ole Miss Law School. I've mentioned it to a few of my work friends, but I'm holding off on telling all the managers and what not. For one thing, it may not work out, so why put the idea out there and then have it fall through? Plus, it's going to be a hard conversation, especially with my GM. The thing is, I love my job and my work friends. I've been working there for over two years, and I work all the time, so those friends are the ones I'm closest to here. I have made some truly incredible friends here, ones that I'll miss very much if I move. BUT--since my parents live here, I'll be able to visit fairly often and see them! Still, it will be tough. Even when I'm at my most fed up with Chattanooga, I'm glad I moved back home when I did. I never would have met my work friends, and I'm such a better person for having them in my life. Life is just like that--give and take. I'm hoping things go swimmingly if I take this leap to Oxford again.

Anyway, it's my day off and I need to go clean my landlord's house and do some organizing in her garage, and finish up the last of my house cleaning. I'm off! I'll write a longer entry next time... I hope.

All the Best News...and Pictures as Proof of how Random my Life is...

**Since none of the pictures I'm putting on here really relate to what's in the blog, I'm putting them at the top. Basically, they are snapshots (mostly from my phone) of my life as of late.**

<3 Pictures <3
1) What my book club meetings (SCI) look like via Skype--when somebody is talking, their box glows.
2) One of the 3 homemade pizzas I made with my Mom the other day--this one is Canadian Bacon and Pineapple--YUM!
3) This is what happens when my Mom and I shop for anything remotely serious... we turn into little kids.
4) Sunset outside of my work when I went in to help out one night on my day off (I typically work days and love it).
5) Fortunes from lunch at Mandarin Garden while in Atlanta shopping for Jamie's wedding dress. The top is Jamie's, the middle is Karen's, and mine is on the bottom.
6) An invention of Bill's at work: A Frozey Palmer--or a frozen Arnold Palmer (which, to those who sadly don't know, is sweet tea and lemonade). There is also the BFrozey Palmer, which has blackberry in it. They are stupidly good.
7) My mom found this picture as she was cleaning out the office at home. It is from a football game when she was at Ole Miss--and probably the coolest thing I've ever seen. So proud of my mom, and forever grateful that I could follow in her footsteps to Ole Miss. Plus, she's in the paper for being at a game--why didn't I ever get that deal?!

As per usual, it's been a little while since I posted a blog. I blame the fact that work has been busy (and fun!), but also because I haven't thought anything in my life has been too terribly interesting, at least not enough to write about. Turns out, once things started to get interesting again, I looked back and realized the sequence of events leading up to the interesting parts were actually kind of blog worthy themselves. So...sit back and prepare for a long blog....now I'm totally NOT going to write one, just you wait and see.

My last post was on July 19th, so it's just three days shy of a month since I last updated the world about my life. I'm just going to have to start from my sweet news in the past few days, and work backwards if I feel extra information is needed. First, Rachael had her baby, Eli Thomas Cade, on August 11th. He is completely and totally adorable, and I'm in love with his name. Obviously, I've only seen pictures (they live many, many miles away from me), but I can tell he is going to be such a precious child--and totally a little stinker! Rachael and Matt's personalities--fun, loud, opinionated and the life of pretty much every party--couldn't possibly produce an uncool child. I'm so happy that Rachael and I are on speaking terms again--it's not even that we ever weren't, but we're both stubborn so we just didn't talk for a while. When I heard she was pregnant, my joy for her negated any stubbornness I cared to possess. Though we haven't spoken on the phone (so weird!), we have exchanged numerous FB messages and wall posts, but the thing that makes me know it's going to be okay is the way we comment on each other's pictures. When you look at those comments, it's like nothing has changed and there never was any falling out. Basically, I told her that, though I don't regret my decision to not be in her wedding or the reasons behind it, I very much regret the way I handled myself and that I opted out so close to the big day. Part of me DOES wish I would have been there, mostly because it's one of those lifetime moments you never want in the lives of your friends, but I don't think I would have completely fulfilled my role (for many reasons) as a proper maid of honor--and she deserved that. The important thing now is that I have a friend that I shared so many memories with back in my life, and I fully plan to create many more with her, especially now with her adorable baby. Side note--it's so weird that I have a friend I'm that close to (and close in age!) who has a child now--hell, she's even younger than me!. I was just getting used to my friends getting married--SLOW DOWN EVERYBODY! Well, not really. All I want is for my friends to be happy...I just don't want to be reminded that I'm getting older all the time ;)

Okay, now the news that I hope all works out because it would make me so happy. The fluke way it all happened about is pretty weird in and of itself, for one thing. A couple of weeks ago (maybe a month?), I was talking to Lauren through text and I suddenly just knew I had to visit her. It's been at least two years since I've seen her, and that fact seemed to hit me amidst our relatively typical conversation. Knowing that my new year of vacation days starts sometime either at the end middle or end of February, I decided I would make a concerted effort to go visit her in March (I planned to use probably about 3 of my PTO days and work the other days into my normal weekly days off, as I did for the California trip). It's pretty far away, so I hadn't put much thought into detailed planning...and then my Mom told me she wants to dance in the Iowa Dancesport Classic...in March. What are the odds? It would work out perfectly, as the comp is about half an hour or so away from Lauren. I really hope this works out, because it would be a great chance to road trip with my Mom, see her dance again, and see my dear Lauren. Win-win-win!

Well, less than a week after I got that exciting news, Lauren told me she wanted to go to Oxford in October. Lo and behold, if all works out, my Mom, Amy, and I could go for a visit during the Ole Miss v. Alabama game on October 15th--in perfect time to celebrate my Mom's birthday AND see Lauren and Elise! I'm hoping Elise can make something happen on a hotel room for Mom and Amy, but if not, there are places available a few miles down the road. Lauren and I would be staying with Elise, of course, and I'd finally get to meet Lauren's boyfriend, Justin. Once again, please keep your fingers crossed this works out. I desparately miss my girls and need to see them!

So...those are kind of the big news things. Next month, on September 7th, my Mom is taking me to Huntsville to visit my eye surgeon. When I turn 26 next May, I'll be officially off of my parents' insurance, so I'm trying to squeeze in all the appointments I can before I have to pay my own deductibles and what not (my medicine will be expensive enough!). This particualr one is especially important, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to require a second surgery--one I had been told I would likely need in the future after my last one four years ago. It's a more invasive surgery with a longer recovery time, but if successful, will lessen the strain on my functioning eye, improving the vision in it and also relieving the intensity and frequency of my tension headaches. I would say that I hope I don't have to have the surgery, but I honestly would be relieved to have it. Without it, my good eye will much more rapidly decline in function and my headaches will get worse. At this point in time, I'm fully aware that I will most likely completely lose vision at some point in my life--at least legally, but also for the use of driving and reading--but a successful surgery could add years or even decades to the amount of time I will retain my sight. And who knows? By the time I reach that vision loss point in my life, they may very well have found a way to fix it completely. Big time fingers crossed on that one! Compared to what so many others have to go through medically, being unable to drive and read in a typical manner are not the end of the world. My big fear, however, is that once my vision in my other eye goes bad, I will see out of it just as I see out of my bad eye. For me, that means I wouldn't be able to see the details of my loved ones' faces, or my beloved sunsets, or any of those little things that add up to making a life with vision so precious. Sure, I would remember my friends as young long after they began to age and that's not so terrible, but the older I get, the more I want to see us all age together--quirky, crazy, and beautiful for years to come. As I've known about the possibility of losing my sight in the future for quite some time, I've accepted it more than I thought possible, and therefore take the time to appreciate the beauty of the world and those people (and animals!) that make my life so sweet. I'm forever grateful that I was confronted with something so early that made me want to absorb everything while I can, and now I know that I am entirely capable of living life one day without vision. Still, I would love to take that lesson and live that way the rest of my life with vision instead of without it, and I know that my intense appreciation for even the simplest of beauty will never fade at this point--even if they told me tomorrow that they have found a way for me to keep my vision my entire life. Between being raised to love and respect everybody and everything (even if it takes a little work to do so) and then being told that I may one day not be able to physically see all those remarkable things has forever, unalterably, made me appreciate what we have in this world (good and bad) no matter what may happen in the future. So...I hope I can see for the rest of my life, but I'm living right now as if I won't be able to one day. And really, is there a better way to live?

Also, my admiration of my other senses has increased with the decrease in my sharp vision (I say this with the understanding that, since I've had this vision issue for what we think is my entire life, I've never really had stellar vision)**. Sounds have so much more meaning and are often poignantly beautiful; smells can literally transport me to specific, and a lot of times pretty old, memories. I think my ability to listen and fully absorb what others' say--a big part of pscychology!--is greatly aided by this, especially in regards to my actual hearing, but also in terms of smell too. I'm sure my other senses are heightened, but I mostly notice the sight and smell aspects more acutely.

At any rate, here's to hoping my plans for the next few months--and trips--work out, and to praying they suggest (I'm almost positive they will) surgery for me--one that prove exceedingly beneficial to me. Love to all!

**been able to see out of both eyes. Considering how quickly and blatantly obvious my vision problem was the second I went to take my eye exam, it makes me pretty angry that NOT ONE pediatrician noticed I couldn't see out of that eye. Typically, my lazy eye was pretty unnoticeable to the average person, so I don't even remotely blame any of my teachers, friends, family members, etc. for not noticing. As I got older--ie the years between the discovery of the disease at age 15 and the surgery at age 21--the lazy eye became more noticeable in that it would float up when I became tired or...eh... drunk. An interesting part of that last statement was that my eye would float upwards as opposed to inwards or outwards. Obviously, as with any medical condition, there are exceptions to the following rule, but my surgeon told me that roughly 95%+ of the cases where the eye floats up and not to either side stem from an accident and aren't typically the way the condition presents if a child is born with it. So, it's like I have an eye disease caused by an accident, which is kind of contradictory. The older I get, the worse my parents seem to feel about this fact. Sometimes, I give my Dad a hard time and tell him that the time he let me leap off a counter when I was a year old (he turned around to get a rag to clean up some juice I spilled--it took me literally 3.5 seconds to decide and go through with the idea of jumping off the counter) totally caused the problem--but the truth is, we have no idea. I seriously doubt that incident caused the issue, though admittedly it is possible. Babies and children run into things and knock their heads of stuff all the time, though, and all it takes is that one time where the hit is hard enough and the positioning of the child's head is just so...and BOOM! DISASTER! It's actually not that uncommon for amblyopia to appear because of tiny bumps that nobody thinks anything about; once again, not a big deal if found early enough and 100% avoidable for blindness to occur. Sometimes, I think all the times I fainted in the shower because of eating disoders may have caused it--mostly because it's easy to blame that on the EDs along with my back, joint, heart, and lung issues--but I know that it is HIGHLY unlikely. Because I never really realized my vision was off or any different than anybody else's, it is pretty safe to assume that the accident occurred when I was fairly young--likely before I went to school or perhaps while in preschool. I will say that something pretty neat happened when I was younger in that my good (right) eye adapted quickly to overcompensate for the lack of substantial vision in my bad (left) eye, so with the exception of those freaking "Magic Eye" things that required you to cross your eyes to see the hidden object and the old fashioned (blue and red glasses) 3D movies, there were very few things that I couldn't see growing up. Luckily, the newer 3D technology works in a way that I'm able to see in 3D now, so that's pretty neat. I'm sure I didn't have great periforial vision to the left as a child (if any at all, as I'm 100% blind in it now), but it didn't seem to affect my life much. Now, with that random increased guilt, my parents (especially my Dad) are always asking me what I can see. I understand that it is probably kind of complicated to fully comprehend for most people--because I'm describing vision problems that I haven't ever lived without, so it's hard for me to understand normal vision in both eyes enough to adequately describe why mine is different--what the world looks like to me. The simplest explanation is this: in my right eye, I've lived pretty much my entire life, until very recently (due to eye strain from doing all the work and regular aging), with 20/25 (I think--or nearly perfect) vision. The periforial to my right is pretty awesome even still, and I've maintained a good degree of my depth perception because of the weird vision in my left eye. This is where it gets more complicated. The vision in my left eye is alway getting worse, but I've always been legally blind in it. Weird?--YEAH. At the inside corner of my left eye (next to my nose), I have pretty good sight---though the space this encompasses is getting smaller now--so really my right eye used it's essentially perfect vision and merged with the okay vision in the corner of my left eye (I always see the middle of sunglasses and regular glasses because the vision essentially widens to encompass that sight instead of using two eyes), so head on I can see pretty well--thus the okay depth perception. From about the middle of my left eye (and getting smaller) through the periforial, it is pretty much black, or more accurately, everything looks like it is covered by a dark shadow. That part of my eye is pretty useless, so the eye is blind and unable to focus. My first surgery entailed clipping the main muscle at the base of my eye and attaching it higher to essentially anchor my eye in place and prevent it from floating--pretty cool, but useless to restore any vision. If I have the second surgery, they will be doing something similar to the main muscle at the top of my eye. It will also help anchor my eye, but the placement will (hopefully) alleviate tension headaches and help me keep the side vision a little longer, therefore lessening the strain on my good eye and keeping it from getting worse.>

Post-Its, Fudge Rounds, Slumber Parties, and Serial Killers: Yep, that's how a conversation with me usually goes...

In the past few days or so, I have started and failed to complete more than 5 blogs. I'm sure a couple of times in the past, but I feel those times were most likely due to interruptions like friends coming over or leaving for work. I love to write--always have--and it is my sole remaining coping mechanism when I feel the world closing in on me. Generally when I start writing, the words flow out of me seemingly without me even needing to put pen to paper or my fingers to a keyboard. Of course, I know that's not true, and I simply allow my subconscious to take over, since it is able to recognize and identify what I oftentimes can't seem to express out loud. Everything I fail at speaking to somebody is eloquently expressed on paper. My writing is one of the few things I am almost never ashamed of, and that is rare indeed. So for me to start a blog and then suddenly feel the words evaporate out of my head rather than onto the page...it's slightly disconcerting. What is stranger still, however, is that I'm not more upset by it. The few things I've written down (in paper journal form) seem to possess an entirely new depth of my personality--and I figure that this issue I'm having with writing is merely my brain trying to figure out a way to let this new, even more beautiful, writing flow out of me as words always have in the past. The one part of all of this that scares me is that I woke up the other day to discover I had written in my journal and had no memory of it...and what I read was terrifying. Even my handwriting looked different.

Now I realize what happened. I have been working non-stop, including from home, and stressing out about all the changes around my work place. On my days off, I clean houses or straighten up my own, or have slumber parties with conversations that last until it is far after dawn. I don't have my car back, and I don't know when I will either...and that stress alone was bound to cause some internal, mental turmoil. As for sleeping, I typically get what I'm supposed to, but sometimes the insomnia I experienced in childhood rears its ugly head, and when I am sleeping, my dreams are so vivid and relevant to my life that I can't imagine it's actually very restful. My worry for my friends--and the nagging, ever present feeling that I'll drive them away--has increased exponentially. I'm not positive, but I think a big factor in that issue is rooted in being torn between loving my friends here and wanting desperately to be back in MS. All of these alterations in my life have occurred over the last month, which also seems to be the height of allergy season as well. I was bound to break down a little. So now, I'm taking control of these situations to the best of my ability which, as it turns out, I'm very good at doing. Even if it seems I have forgotten myself, I can always bring myself back and fix the problem. It used to take months, but armed with the right diagnosis and medication I received over a year ago, I'm able to figure things out much faster. Have I mentioned lately how much that decision to go back to therapy and get tested improved my life more than I ever thought possible? It truly did.

I have to admit, however, that I am still reeling from the sudden departure of Riley at work, and as Elise's birthday (July 22nd) gets closer, I can't help but feel sad that she hasn't talked to me in months. I'm still going to send her a letter (to her parent's address, since I don't know hers anymore) and call her on her birthday. I haven't given up hope that my best friend will come back to me. I never will. When she does, I hope that she will be okay; my biggest fear is that she is depressed, and I can't help. All the laughter, tears, hugs, fights, late night conversations, early mornings watching the sunrise in silence after a memorable night with friends, and most of all that deep, sincere understanding that occurs between the best of friends without a word needing to be spoken--I only pray that she hasn't forgotten any of it. There are many, many reasons I want my car back, but the biggest one is wanting to get to MS to see the beautiful faces of my friends and remember myself as they see me--not flawed, but as one who embraces life with such a passion that would make anybody lose their way at times. I would much rather occasionally wear myself out as I take on life with all the intensity in the world than fail to truly live out of fear. My friends from college seem to understand this better than anyone else; indeed, it seems to be what they love most about me. They helped me to view all of my ups and downs as exercises that turned me into who I am today--and will continue to make me a better, more empathetic, sincere person--and they happen to love that person. I know that most believe people aren't truly capable of loving others without first loving themselves, but I had to be loved by people who weren't afraid to give me reasons to love myself first. They aren't perfect people by any means, and we have gotten in fights so big it seemed there could never be a resolution, but that's the thing with people who run full speed ahead at life's obstacles and triumphs: we always find our way back to those who can remind us of our importance when we forget ourselves.

I never thought I would get to a place in my life where I didn't have to merely accept myself, but where I could be proud of who I'm becoming. Sure, I've got a long way to go, but at 25 years old, I know there is plenty of time for me...and I have so many things I've learned to help others. Yes, I'm beginning to very much like who I am. Thank you to those people who tirelessly worked to make me value myself. That work is finally paying off, and though there may be no way to repay that kind of unfailing friendship and love, I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to find a way to give the same support to my wonderful friends. I owe them my life--both quite literally my physical life and also the desire to live it outside of the box. I'm no longer afraid or ashamed of being different; in fact, I'm pretty darn proud of it. "Normal" sounds totally boring anyway.

My Top 25s (ie cleaning break!) Part 3: Music

Well, this entry should be interesting, simply because I so rarely know artists or song titles. Most of the time, I can sing them word for word, but my brain rarely takes the time to remember the specifics beyond that. If the song is really good I tend to remember it, but that's about it. Today was a day off of work for me, so I've been cleaning house all day. I'm exhausted, so I'm taking a SHORT break. I want the house to be really clean and be in bed by midnight at the latest. So, here goes...

My Top 25 Favorites in Music

1) "Take it Easy" by The Eagles
-This is one of the ones I took the time to remember by name AND artist...but not until my Junior year of college, though I had heard it long before that. I like the song for many reasons, but the number one is the quote "We may lose, and we may win...but we will never be here again". Hands down, that's my favorite quote from a song EVER. I think I took notice of it in college, and not before, because that's exactly how I felt about that time in my life--and how right I was. While I didn't take it for granted (I loved and appreciated every moment of my time at Ole Miss), it still hits me hard every time I hear that lyric. Of course we can't go back in time, and I know that it wouldn't the same anyway if we did, but sometimes I miss Oxford, MS so much it's literally painful. I'm lucky in that I've kept up with many of my best friends from there quite well, and others at least on FB, but I know that I will never find a place--or a time--like that part of my life again. Bittersweet, for sure.

2) "Fancy" by Reba McEntire
-I've always loved this song, both because it is amazing...and ridiculous. Especially the video. You're missing out if you haven't watched that on YouTube. Anyway, I love Reba and have tons of respect for her, and this song has a great message and a *very* catchy tune....buuuuuuuuuut, it's just a wee bit over the top. And by "a wee bit", I mean completely.

3) Rascal Flatts--pretty much in general.
-"Shine On" sticks out in my mind though, because it is almost guaranteed to cheer me up when I'm down. I generally just love their sound and the personality that comes through in their music.

4) Dolly Parton--always.
-I love her twangy sound and the lyrics in her music, but even more so her crazy style and flair--and her ability to admit it and poke fun of herself. She's one classy lady, even if she hides it in (intentional) white trash.

5) Mark Shultz
--...but only if I'm in the mood for tears and pondering of the past. But yeah, great songs with powerful messages. And tears--almost always tears.

7) "Find Out Who Your Friends Are" by Tracy Lawrence
--This song has always, and will forever, remind me of Elise, Lauren, and Rachael and the memories that I can only remember with happiness--even as things have changed a little with those friendships. I still consider them "my girls" and always will, and they helped me make some of the best memories I could ever hope to make. Those are some of the ones that bring me back up from the darkest depressions and lowest moments. As with so many things in my life, what has happened since college seemed to be almost entirely out of my control. I do still talk to them, but so rarely and in such a different way. After 2 years, I understand that things are understandably different as we get older and don't live in the same town anymore--and I know that those friendships were unique because of Oxford, and mostly because of those people. I miss them with all of my heart. Reason #56778965 for hating that my car is currently out of commission--I desparately need to see my friends and Oxford. Seriously, my heart needs this.

8) "Cha Cha Slide"
--Oh drunken memories--great at the time, and even better now that I don't drink or go out...well...ever. Mostly, I know that's a good thing and I'm growing up, but on the other hand, none of my friends I've made here since I moved back REALLY know how I was then--carefree (even during some of my worst psych times), happy, adorable, the life of the party. This song reminds me of that.

9) "The Climb"--Miley Cyrus
--Shut up, I know. I tried to hate it like I can't stand that little brat. Her regular speaking voice makes me want to hit her in the face, but I loved this song. It was sweet, and her singing voice doesn't sound anything like her talking one--phew!

10) Disney Songs (especially from Mulan, Little Mermaid, The Lion King, and Beauty and the Beast)
--I have a ton on my iPod, and I dare you to stay pissed at ANYTHING when one of those comes on. You can't--because you'll be singing. Yeah, don't even lie--we ALL know the words.

11) Johnny Cash (and June Carter Cash!)
--I don't particularly always like his voice, but his music? Amazing. I think the fact that he had such a rocky life, and lived through so much, makes me love him more. He truly fought for the things--and especially people--in his life, even if it was against himself. And Johnny and June together? There's a couple who fought to love each other, and prevailed. Just amazing.

12) "Ghetto Superstar"
--This is totally saved on my YouTube favorites on my phone. Because it's amazing. It always makes an awkward situation less so, unless the person doesn't know the song. Then I'm just confused and afraid and a little angry. But seriously--such a hit--and Halle Berry is in the video. Like, for real. Oh, the '90s.

13) "When I Get Where I'm Going"-Brad Paisely and Dolly Parton
--It's just a beautiful song, and the words--especially about his grandpa--hit so close to home. It almost makes me want to call my grandparents (Mom's side), but then I remember that they cussed me out and haven't called since--6 years ago. This song, though, reminds me of a time when they did love me (I think).

14) The Dixie Chicks (in the 90s)
--I still know all of these by heart, even if its been years since I heard them. No worries now--they're all on my iPod.

15) Old School Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and Spice Girls
--Come on, they hit the scene when I was 12--I have no choice but to be infatuated with them. At that age, everything is ingrained in your head...forever, it seems.

16) Cotton Eye Joe
--I love it and hate it. It gets stuck in my head for--literally--weeks, but it's so fun. Oh conundrum.

17) "Wagon Wheel"--Old Crow Medicine Show
--Thanks to Elise (again) for making me listen to this so many years ago. I can't explain why I love it so much--I just do. It's such a beautiful song, and it reminds me, once again, of college. Any reminder of that time in my life is a blessing.

18) "Go Rest High On That Mountain"--Vince Gill
--Such a beautiful song with an incredibly important message. Not to be morbid, but it's the song I want sung at my funeral. It explains so much that it's hard to say out loud in everyday life. Wonderful, amazing song.

19) Most of the songs from both "The Phantom of the Opera" and "Les Miserables"
--I saw both of these for the first time when I was 10 (and got "golden ticket" keychains for both) and have loved them ever since. For one thing, they are very happy childhood memories; for another, both are amazing musicals that have spanned generations and will (hopefully!) continue to do so for years to come.

20) "Dreaming of You"--Selena
--Okay, the lyrics creep me out a little--is there REALLY nowhere she would rather be than in her room dreaming of somebody (like, why not go one better and be WITH him?) but Selena's voice is beautiful. It's such a shame she was killed (by her fan club president--WTF??) at only 23 years old--there's no telling what she would have done if she had lived. Not just musically--we all know it would have been amazing, but also just in life. Her family still mourns her as if it happened only yesterday, and it speaks about how wonderful of a person she must have been in her private life as well. Such a tragic loss.

21) Garth Brooks!
--Two that instantly come to mind are "Standing Outside the Fire" and "Calling Baton Rouge", but pretty much anything he's released ranks in my favorites. I just totally love his voice and his personality!

22) "Just To See You Smile"--Tim McGraw
--It just makes me insanely happy--everybody should be loved and cherished in such a way. Here's hoping!

23) "Love, Me"--Collin Raye
--Just as I can't read "I'll love you forever" without bawling like a little girl, this song gets me every time. It's poignant and sweet and right to the point. It makes me happy and sad at the same time--always a fun feeling haha!

24) "Ain't No Other Man"--Christina Aguilera
--I like most of her music anyway--what a voice!--but this one reminds me of Meredith and McAlister's, which makes it even better. It didn't matter if we had customers out the door...if this song came on, everybody knew Meredith and I were out of commission for the duration of it (especially the "break it down" part--because we always did). I could be totally half asleep, and if this song came on, I'm instantly wide awake! Love Love LOVE.

25) "Tootsee Roll"--69 Boyz
--I had to end on a fun one (and FYI, this list could probably go on forever. Turns out , music really IS the shit). THIS song, though, is in my favorites for a ridiculous amount of reasons. First, at the beginning of the song they remind you it came out in 1994 (SERIOUSLY?), and that serves to both make me feel old AND wonder...why in the hell was I listening to this song when I was 8? Second, you can't NOT dance when that song comes on--it's like a reflex. Also, don't be confused--"it ain't the butterfly, it's the tootsee roll"--in case you forgot the name of the song or the repeated "tootsee roll" phrase. For real though, this song is awesome no matter how you look at it. And by "awesome", I mean ridiculous... and timeless.

Like so much in my life, I love these songs because they take me back to a time when I was truly happy. I'm not saying I'm a depressed wreck now or anything, but happy like "Ole Miss happy"? Not even close. Maybe you only get that once in a lifetime? Or maybe it's time I get my ass back to moving in MS? We'll go with the latter :)

I heart 25, Part 2: Books

So, I finally got around to continuing my "Favorite 25" idea, and today I decided to do it mostly because I'm avoiding cleaning (and yes, I realize I'm probably going to be up super late and get like no sleep for work, but hey--priorities) and because I have to unwind from this entire month of work--so blog, help friend with essay, clean,...bed. Between 3 different, insane budget cuts, our store hours changing and eliminating about 10 work hours a week, increased tasks to do with less people, and being personally responsible for essentially 3 separate jobs...it's been interesting. I love my job, always have, but I have to admit all of these changes are adding a lot of stress to my life. Of course, being car-less (ie having to be dropped off at work 2 HOURS before I clock in and a full hour before anybody--employees--even arrives) is a real pain--perhaps even more so for me since driving was sometimes the only way I could blow off steam AND because I feel like I'm an independent person who is being forced into strict dependency. It's tough. Also, because I'm saving up (hard to do when bills drain about 3/4 of your paycheck before noon on pay day) to fix my car, I spent most of my "off" days cleaning my landlord's house so I pay less rent and can--in theory--get my car back soon. Ugh--so yes, lots going on. So, before I go back to the real world of cleaning, planning, and helping....here's 25 of my favorite books (note, not my favorite 25--that would be impossible).

25 of the Best. Books. Ever. In my humble opinion, of course.

1) Harry Potter (all 7)--Everything about these makes them rank--forever--in my top 25 books. The plot, the writing style, the characters, the message, the wonderful twists and turns, the terribly upsetting moments--all of it makes for a very realistic story that just happens to take place in a magical world. Incredible.

2) The Giver--I read this for the first time when I was about 10 or 11, and I try to read it every year since that first time. It's written in such a way that a child can easily understand it, but it never feels like a child's story. If you haven't read it, do yourself a favor and get a copy. I promise you won't regret it.

3) The Hunger Games--the first series (adult or not) to capture my attention and keep a strong hold all the way through. Great writing and a great story. Can't wait to see the movie!

4) Wasted--I became an instant fan of this book before I even made it halfway through. It moved me for multiple reasons; the writing is unique and captivating, my degree in pscyh peaked my initial interest; and she seemed to effortlessly (though I know better) express what I've been trying to explain for years about the world when eating disorders and self-mutilation serve as both the things that are killing you AND the only way you can conceivably live at all.

5) Genie--About the modern day feral child from the 70s. Both intensely fascinating and unbelievably heart wrenching.

6) The Help--I also can't wait for this movie, both because I love the story and because I'm a big fan of Emma Stone (portraying Skeeter). Mississippi, silent rebellion, the perfect mix of hilarity and poignancy--wonderful.

7)The BFG--One of my favorite books of all time, and sadly, one that I haven't read in quite some time--though I've been meaning to for a while. I remember loving the whimsical nature of the story and finding it hard to not fall in love with the BFG. Roald Dahl was a genius.

8) The Babysitter's Club--As the first series I truly got completely, undeniably obsessed with, it will always hold a special place in my heart. Plus, now there's a prequel. Oh yeah.

9) A Tale of Two Cities--I can't really explain why anymore as it's been so long since I read it, but for some reason it is always one of the first books I mention when asked about favorites. Perhaps I should read it again--I know I wouldn't mind it one bit!

10) Rebecca--Mystery, intrigue, and the absence of the main character's first name--I just loved it. I'm typically not a mystery fan (I realize it's not classified as such, but it is a mystery in many ways), but Rebecca stuck with me in a forcibly haunting way.

11) Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons--I know, it sounds ridiculous--but that's kind of the point. I picked it up randomly for some fun reading, and was struck by the intricate story of a group of women whose book club is a lifesaver in so many ways. I loved all the characters and how the story progressed, but I think what makes it a favorite is that these radically different women have a friendship to be envied. In many ways, I see my GPS friends as younger versions of these women--and I felt this way years before we began our own book club--and more than anything, it makes me feel like my friends and I will always be just as we are now--busy, quirky, remarkably unlike...and forever loved by people who love each other no matter what.

12) The Pact (by Jodi Picoult, who also wrote My Sister's Keeper)--There is no way around the sadness and despair of this story, but somehow it is written in a way that embraces what can be learned from inconceivable loss instead of making it into a melodrama. It's pretty awesome.

13) Stephanie Plum series (Evanovich; 18 books so far)--THESE are my guilty pleasure, the books I read for the sake of laughter, and funnier with each book. Love them!

14) To Kill A Mockingbird--What's funny is that I HATED this book at first--and not just during my first reading of it, but through about 3 of them. It wasn't until I was almost through college that I began to love it, and I don't know what changed really. Part of it probably has to do with the fact that the play adaptation of the story was the last play I saw at Ole Miss, but it's more than that. It is so innocent in it's ripping apart of...innocence.

15) The Glass Castle--I'm not sure I could even begin to give this book justice for its awesome power. Somehow, Jeanette Walls explains the way in which a child can be so ashamed of their parents to the point of hatred, while simultaneously making you fall in love with them. It's a story that comes full circle without ever having to really move. Seriously, I'm failing on describing how incredible it is. READ IT.

16) Flowers in the Attic (and the other 4 books in the Dollanganger series)--I think I most liked these because they completely messed with my head. On the one hand, everybody who condemns these kids make valid points about their conception....and then love affair. Remarkably, however, I found myself rooting for Cathy and Chris (yes, brother and sister) to stay together as their only means of happiness, incest or not. To my relief, I found that everybody who has read them feels the same way; you know incest is wrong and are grossed out by it, but there you are--pulling for it in a twisted way. My brain spent a long time fighting with itself over this--and that's when I realized these books were pretty awesome. Weird and totally effed up, but amazing. Yeah--my mind still fights with itself over these. (Equally amazing by V.C. Andrews--My Sweet Audrina. Just saying.)

17) A Visit from the Goon Squad--A remarkably confusing, yet simple, story. It was a book club book, and I hope to find the time very soon to read it again. It's that good.

18) Indian in the Cupboard--I can still hear Mrs. Mabry reading this one aloud-- with accents and distinct personalities. While I think the story is great on its own, I think this one falls into my favorites category mostly because, while I had always loved to read (and still do), hearing this one come to life was the first time I truly understood that books are absolutely magical and meaningful in a myriad of ways. To put it simply, I found the way to step into stories as I read them instead of observing from the outside. It changed my life as a reader, and made me yearn to be a writer. To this day, I think it has much to do with why I find it so much easier to express myself in writing rather than speech--and why I'm still proud of my writing, even when I hated everything else about myself.

19) A Walk to Remember--Okay, it must be said: I really don't like Nicholas Sparks. I think he's cheesy and sappy and predictable and generally showered with undeserved praise. AWTR is different somehow. Yes, it is cheesy and dramatic at times, but the STORY that shines through all of that is remarkable. Beautiful and sad, touching and tragic, relatable and unimaginable--so much in a relatively short book. I'll give you this one, Sparks, but lay off the whining. Also, come out of the closet already--I mean, seriously.

20) A Time to Kill (and the film adaptation)--It's just plain GOOD. It's one of those stories that has something for everybody--romance, rebellion, racism, the legal system's skewed reality--and they talk about Ole Miss. What's not to love?

21) Chelsea Handler's books: Yes, all of them--I love her comedy and tv show, but it just gets better on paper. Part of me loves it because so many others hate it, but mostly I just love that she says out loud what EVERYBODY is thinking. Celebrities are ridiculous; they're practically satires of themselves. She's not afraid of the repercussions of what she says, because the power of celebrity crumbles when the flaws (ie the human part) are brought to the surface instead of hidden behind entourages who serve as the best paid motivational speakers--and often liars--in the world. Kathy Griffin is a fave of mine for similar reasons; as a girl who can't seem to NOT speak my mind, I find inspiration in those women who made a living out of it. Also, they're friggin' hilarious.

22) A Prairie Tale--One of the few celebrity autobiographies I really, truly liked. I picked it up as if to give that "genre" one last shot--after reading Here's the Story about Maureen Mccormick (Marcia Brady) and literally laughing out loud at both her crazy exaggerations (trust me, she'd be dead before she got to a third of her "story") and what I can only explain as her expectation that her target audience was full of ultra gullible and idiotic "humans" (granted, she was probably pretty dead on about that for most of the ones who read her book--and liked it). Melissa Gilbert, however, showed the very real problems with celebrity culture's biggest downfall of never, ever saying no to a celebrity request and how she still managed to stay pretty real and down to earth. She dabbled in drugs and became an alcoholic, with heartwrenching stories of what that does to a child and later, the adult that emerges...but she never lost her sense of humor or her childlike awe of the world and those who blessed her life. Good stuff.

23) The Velveteen Rabbit--If this doesn't make you cry (even just a little), then you have no soul. Or a deprived one at least. It's a classic whose status as such is one I wholeheartedly agree with, and I think the majority of the world could benefit from a story time circle with this as the book of choice. With so many things in life telling us ad nausem that looks are most important and you are only worth as much as your ability to starve yourself to death, this book is a simple reminder that is LOVE that makes you beautiful--and even emotional, physical, and repressed scars can not make you ugly once you are really and truly loved.

24) I Love You Forever--No lie, I can't even open the first page of this book without at least tearing up (and let's be honest, usually bawling like an idiot). I love it, but that sometimes still confuses me since I have spent years trying to--and pretty much succeeding--rid myself of the ability and NEED to cry. But this child's book? In so few words, it sums up what loving and being loved means. Seriously though? I wish it didn't bring on buckets of tears EVERY TIME. Or maybe I like it most BECAUSE of that. Who knows? I'm just positive it's a great book.

25) Gone With The Wind---An interesting choice, since it is one of the books that I've never read all the way through. It is, however, one that I'm trying once more to finish. It's not the story that keeps me from finishing--because it's an incredible one--but rather, life gets in the way every single time. My love for the movie and the incredibly dead-on character of Scarlett O'Hara keeps me attempting--over and over again to conquer. And I will, as God as my witness! After all, tomorrow is another day. Yeah, I went there.

So there you have it. 25 of my favorites, but nowhere close to all that comprises that list. I'll always find myself adding to this list, just as I'll always be learning something new. Reading IS magical, just as it was during that first revelation in the 4th grade. Life is crazy and time goes by too fast, but those favorite books of mine? They only change as they should--to teach me with every new reading that we are all children forever, as long as there are stories that take us somewhere new.

Clearly, I'm now obsessed with the number 25.

Now that I've settled nicely into being 25, the number seems to be following me everywhere--and by that, I mean I use it a lot for a variety of really random stuff. And I'm going to use it again--and again and again--now to make some of My Top 25 Favorite Lists. Movies, books, memories,...you know, perfectly random. Let's begin, shall we? (Side note, all of these are simply how I feel as of late. For many of these topics--ie movies--I could never settle of a list of 25 all time favorites and have it stay that way forever...not even if I said, say, my top 25 before I turned 25...it would still change. Some are typically on there, but you never know....just saying.)

Top 25 Favorite Movies

1) Harry Potter (I'll count them all as one for the sake of not using up 8 spots for them, but we all know they are totally worth it)

2) Girl, Interrupted

3) Beaches (mostly for the fond memories it invokes)

4) Steel Magnolias (once again, memories....also, "I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Oh, Shelby.)

5) Halloween (1,2,4,5,6...and the remake of the first one by Rob Zombie--BUT NOT THE 2ND REMAKE)

6) Sex and the City (the first one only, since the second one was one step below trash. Oh, and if you're judging me--suck it)

7) Black Swan (phenomenal!)

8) Raising Helen

9) My Sister's Keeper (I also loved the book, and felt that the radically different endings of the two was actually a very wise move--which I typically don't ever feel. For once, I felt like, while the ending of the book worked for print--especially the element of surprise--it would have appeared phony and overly theatrical in the movie. It's rare that Hollywood changes something to be less showy, and I understand why that's the case, but I think it was the best decision for this particular story. Highly recommend both reading and seeing this if you haven't already)

10) The Time Traveler's Wife (I never read it, and I'm sad I didn't. Honestly, I loved this most because I'm an uber fan of Rachel McAdams. Beyond that, the story was both sweet and realistic...and I love that, though I've watched it many times, the actual time traveling is so well done that you totally understand it and find it nearly impossible to keep up with his changes ages and time periods and what not. In this kind of instance, confusion is kind of fun.)

11) Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (though I was slightly disappointed by the 2nd film--mostly because I read the books long ago and didn't like how they merged 4 books into one film after dedicating an entire, separate movie to the first book, I adored the first film. The four main actresses--portraying Tibby, Lena, Carmen, and Bridget to almost perfection --amazed me with their abilities to show both the hilarious moments and the very real turmoil and pain that go hand in hand with being a teenager in modern society. Of course, that they did this so remarkably at such young ages was impressive; what was perhaps even more inspiring, however, was that their range in emotions in playing these characters was incredible for any age actor. I also just love the story of average friends with extraordinary moments--not just the obvious finding of the pants, but even more so their very typical hardships that were made bearable by their wonderful, yet extremely realistic, joint friendship. Loved it.)

12) Juno (love Ellen Page--also check out "An American Crime", which received almost no press even though it was based on a true story. In Juno alone, it is clear that Page is an incredible actress, but seeing her in "An American Crime" and the different sides of her personality and acting that must have gone into that--it just makes you grasp her range that much more. "Inception" evoked similar astonishment in me; it's a fast, frenzied story and sometimes the acting gets lost in those types of films, but if you really watch Page--and Dicaprio for that matter--the acting itself is awesome. Anyway--I loved Juno for many of the same reasons I like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants--it's real, honest, and unique. Remarkably, even with amazing amounts of ingenious humor, the heartache and turmoil is never lost in the mix. So impressed. Plus--it really is hilarious)

13) Carrie (mostly, I know I love this movie so much because it was the very first horror movie I ever watched, but it really is awesome. Whenever people challenge me to cite a story that I enjoyed more on screen than I did in text, this one always comes to mind. I'm not a huge Stephen King fan anyway--two blaring exceptions are Misery and The Green Mile --but King's story and descriptions pale in comparision to the on-screen action. Sissy Spacek was absolutely incredible--and I've been a huge fan ever since--but the "supporting" cast deserves much of the credit as well. For a story with such hightened, dramatic moments--many of which I have my serious doubts could ever happen--it never seemed overdone or particularly unrealistic to me...that's a pretty big feat in and of itself. I will say , when her hand reaches out of that grave at the end--well, it totally happened 8,000 times faster when I was 9 than it does now. Awesome movie though)

14) Marley and Me (considering I came dangerously close to a full on panic attack at the end of this movie when I saw it in theaters, it seems odd that it made this list. I have since purchased it and watched it a few more times; the thing is, it really is just as sad as it was the first time, but the acting and the moral of the story--so to speak--are absolutely amazing. Viewed as just a story about a family pet, it is moving and envokes all the right emotions at the best times; if you really analyze the entire plot and story and then the eventual outcome, however, it becomes so much more. Such an absolutely unique story of what makes life sweet and memorable--and what it really means to be a family)

15) Mommie Dearest (um...DUH. First, it's just an awesomely dramatic but somehow not overdone film. Second, Christina Crawford had such bravery--and probably a little need for just a bit of revenge--to tell her story, and I think it's truly one that needs to continue to be used as a learning tool. Though times are different now, many actors probably still adopt children for the publicity--I'm not saying they don't love their children and there isn't a great deal of hardship involved--but let's be honest--actors are still attention whores just as they were in Joan Crawford's day....worse still, the need for attention has increased exponentially as of late--and now there's the internet. Yeah, probably a lot for publicity. My biggest reason I love this movie? Faye Dunaway. I understand she never saw the film because she--I believe-- thought it was a horrible movie and was appalled by her own acting...but she totally missed out on her own awesomeness. The front of the DVD cover says it best--"Faye Dunaway IS Joan Crawford". For sure.)

16) Poltergeist (okay...a lot of this one is full of bad acting and ideas so outlandish they are just funny and I get that. Honestly though, the parts that needed to be acted out well were and even those things I more than likely don't believe in...well, I always believe them when I'm watching the movie. And Tangina--she's such a delicously creepy little know it all...and everything she says makes sense . Though I usually think Hollywood "cursed movie/film franchises" are totally made up...I kind of buy this one. I mean, there were lots of deaths that could be explained away--age, circumstance, etc.--but the deaths of the actresses portraying Carol Anne--at the age of 12 due to bowel obstruction--and her older sister--murdered in her driveway by an ex boyfriend--those seem a little cursed to me. Ultimately though, the best part of the movie has always been, and will always be the classic line, "They're heeeeeere!")

17) Terms of Endearment (also good is the sequel, The Evening Star, but it's hard to find and you won't miss too much if you don't ever get to see it--but it is good. Everything in TOE is awesome--the acting, the casting, the story, the reality....everything. Once again, as so many others believe, my favorite part is when Shirley MacLaine's character goes ape shit over her daughter having to wait--even for a couple of minutes max--to receive her pain shot. Epic. I hear that MacLaine and Debra Winger hated each other and avoided speaking when not shooting a scene such was their disdain for the other--if this is true, the thought is sad but I find it hard to believe as it is. Oddly enough though, that belief kind of makes it more fun to watch the movie to see if they let on any of their supposed contempt for each other. Note, in my probably hundreds of times watching it....I have yet to see any indication of that. Just makes you wonder)

18) Sybil (honestly, I'm pretty peeved that I don't own this one yet. It's, from what I can tell, impossible to find in a store and typically pretty expensive to buy online--unless you don't mind parts being cut out. And I ALWAYS mind parts being cut out. Even after more than 30 years since the film's release, there is still a debate as to whether or not the real life individual that Sally Field's character is based on had multiple personality disorder , and especially as to the number of distinct personalities she had ...and I don't know enough on the topic--even after researching it--to give any kind of educated guess. My instinct tells me to believe that she did had the disorder and that she probably had a great many distinct personalities, but what is crazily overlooked is that Sybil's mother--whether vastly overdone for the film or not--had an intensely scary schizophrenic personality. I mean, honest to God schizophrenia--which is also rare but not quite as much as having multiple personalities. I had a similar feeling watching this film as I did when reading "A Child Called It"--disgust, intrigue, and complete and utter disbelief--how could these people even reproduce with that much hatred buried so deeply within...and how in the hell were these children allowed to stay in these homes for any period of time, let alone years. It makes me want to be a social worker--if I thought I was strong enough to handle such things in real life. I'm not strong enough, and while I want to be so that I can help...more of me doesn't want to EVER get that strong--it's just too sick)

19) Flowers in the Attic (and the complete Dollanganger story, though after the first one you can only learn more through books since they didn't make the other 4 into movies. I put this under my movie category at all mostly because I first saw the film before I ever even knew there were books. I'll delve more into this story under the books category, but the movie wasn't half bad. I'd love to see a remake! Honestly, I'm still confused as to how I could ever find myself rooting for incest to work out--and intrigued that I'm not even close to the only one who feels this way. It's interesting--and fun--to read a story that makes you step back and take a look at your values and morals because none of it adds up. No, I don't condone incest and it grosses me out, but I dare you to read this story--and on a much smaller scale, see the movie--especially all 5 of the series, and tell me honestly and completely that you weren't rooting for Chris and Cathy to get together just a little...even as your rational mind is vomiting a little in its own mouth. Yeah, it's weird.)

20) Interview with the Vampire (totally want to read all this when I have the chance--side note. But yeah--this movie is just great. Brad Pitt, (sometimes) Tom Cruise, and my oh my, a little Kirsten Dunst. I loved this movie because it brought out every conceivable emotion--lust, rage, grief, intrigue....sometimes many at the same time. Once again, though on a smaller scale, it makes you step back and look at what you believe it. If vampires were real (or ARE real), then they are undead and seemingly evil. They kill to live. They show no mercy. And yet, there are those moments...the reaction, and really the entire Claudia's death plot line, of Louie when he opens the door hoping, in vain, that he's not too late to save his dear Claudia--and finds only the ashes of Claudia and (can't remember her name) the other woman intertwined in a terrified embrace....remarkable. Vampires shouldn't have emotions, not such strong ones of family and love at the very least, but these guys certainly do. Woohoo, Anne Rice!)

21) I Am Sam (the beginning of my respect and adoration for (almost) all Dakota Fanning films. Sean Penn is outstanding, and Michelle Pfieffer is equally great; the actors who play Sam's friends, though....the best. Yes, they pull at your heartstrings with their "handicaps", but what struck me the most is how often I would forget that such "limitations" were even there--or at the very least relevant. It was the story and the characters that made it so amazing, and though the story is first and foremost one of a father and daughter trying desparately to get back to each other, a big part of it--indeed, the reason there is an issue at all with separation--is because Sam is mentally handicapped. Sean Penn plays Sam remarkably, in large part because it is clear his number one concern was having and showing respect for the type of character he played-- nothing ever came off as hokey, or overly dramatic, or disrespectful--and that also played a part in allowing those who played his friends to shine not because of their limitations, but because of their strengths--mostly, intense loyalty to their friend. They all share the type of friendships we all strive for, and many never find. Of course, Dakota Fanning was my favorite part of the movie--mostly because she's doing these incredibly emotional, not at all over done, scenes at the age of SIX--but also because, when asked how she prepared to handle acting opposite Sean Penn's portrayal of one who is handicapped, she simply explained that she had an aunt who was like Sam--and she knew that her aunt didn't want to be treated any differently, and so never did. And she took that and applied it towards a stranger, because that was how it was ...she didn't treat Sam any differently than she would her aunt...or any other person she has ever come across. Astounding.)

22) Man on Fire (Dakota Fanning again--though she was totally 9 by the time she did this movie so its far less impressive--UH KIDDING. NINE?! Geez. Really though, Fanning and Denzel Washington played wonderfully off each other, and along with a strong, awesome story line--total hit. Love it, but it's a whole new kind of sad--you've been warned)

23) The Blind Side (uh, Ole Miss Football--enough said. On top of that, Sandra Bullock did one hell of a job and definitely earned her Oscar, and the Tuohy's are remarkable people....mostlybecause they have never once thought that they are. They did what was right and helped out someone who needed it--and fell in love with him. When they describe it, sometimes it's hard to remember why it's such an amazing story--because they just see it as a way to a family. Plus, I was at Ole Miss when the real Michael Oher was--I still get cool points for that. Just loved it.)

24) Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion (mostly the memories, but also because it's friggin' hilarious...and it gets funnier and funnier EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch it. It's one of those movies you can quote and in a group of ten, there's a good shot at least a couple of them will know what you are referencing---or just finish the quote. Dumb and Dumber is the same way-- stupid, yes, but brilliant. D & D was the first of that type of "dumb humor" movie I ever watched, and I'm so glad I watched it with my brother! He told me, right before starting the movie--this movie is stupid, there's no real plot, and it doesn't end with a moral. If you expect it to be smart, you're going to hate it. Anticipate the stupid humor, and go with it. Best advice ever. Movies that are just for fun and don't require you to twist together intricate story lines--or really, even think at all--can just be the best sometimes. I still think of Brent's advice when I see a movie that I know is meant to be stupid , and leave the movie totally stoked that I learned absolutely nothing, but totally got my laugh on.

25) Clueless (for so, so many epic reasons. Classic.)



Well, as per usual, turns out I had a lot to say on just one topic, so I'll leave it with just movies on this one! Still to come, music (artist, song, genre), books, memories, websites...and I'm sure I'll think of more in the mean time. This was fun though--just have to head to work now, so I'll bid you all adieu :) ...For now...

Bittersweet Memories & Living on Dreams

Well, I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I'm a big believer of blogging only when something of value happens--and something interesting enough for people to want to actually read. My days are pretty routine; I work all the time--and still love it--and spend most of the rest of my time at home reading, cleaning, chatting, or occasionally out shooting pool with work buddies. There is very little variation in my day-to-day, and that's typically how I prefer it.

Every once in a while, spicing it up a little is nice though--and thus my trip (with my parents--gulp) to visit my brother in North Carolina over Memorial Day weekend. I had a ton of fun, but surprisingly I didn't think it ended too soon. By the time we packed up to head back to Chattanooga, I was ready to get back to work and my friends...and my boring day to day. The first and last days of the trip were travel days (the trip was about 10 hours one way), but luckily my Dad actually let us all rotate driving, so we each drove roughly 3-4 hours of the trip each way. In the past few years, I've developed motion sickness I just didn't have in the past, so it was nice to not be confined to the back of the car for the duration of the trip. Plus, both times I drove, we cut major time off the trip. Once we arrived on Thursday, we had 3 full days to visit, and we filled them up with beach time, a good meal out and a different place for dessert, deep sea fishing, shopping, lounging...and just hanging out together. My brother lives with his girlfriend, Hannah, on North Topsail Island--a little more than an hour outside of Wilmington. Let me just tell you--Hannah is the coolest person ever. I met her at Christmas, but that visit was very schizophrenic as they only stayed a couple of days and I had to work a lot during the holidays (naturally), so I didn't get to really hang out as much as I would have liked. Also, Hannah's dog Mizzie, who spent a very excited white Christmas with us, had to be put to sleep as she kept getting sicker and sicker seemingly without cause (most likely cancer). This all happened just days before we visited, so it made it sad in a way, but I'm glad we were there to keep her mind off of it. Besides my brother's happiness, I selfishly hope they end up getting married just so that I will have a totally kick ass sister in law. Most of the weekend, she was the one who kept me sane.

Until I got back from NC, I hadn't really thought of how long it has been since we had a family vacation of any sort. The soccer trips that occupied much of my childhood ceased to play a major role in my life starting when I got involved (heavily that is--I've played sports most of my life, but the importance of soccer to my brother didn't find a place in my life until I joined the cross country team when I was 15) in my own activities and branched off into those worlds. My brother graduated high school in 2001, but we stopped going on a large number of soccer trips when I was about 11 or 12, or when he was around 15 and played Baylor soccer instead of on the traveling teams. So, in all honesty, my family hasn't spent a lot of time together somewhere other than Chattanooga in a pretty long time. When I was growing up, we went to Jamaica, Cancun, the Bahamas, Florida (soccer related and not)...all before I entered high school. In fact, the trip I took to California is March marked the first time I ever went on a plane both as an adult and by myself; it had been more than 10 years since I'd been on one period. Family dynamics are different when the children are not yet in their teens (or just entering them) and when they are in their 20s. I love my family, but they absolutely bring out the worst in me. As I've gotten older, my temperment has evened WAY out compared to how I acted (and reacted) in my youth. Partly, this happened as my hormones evened out, but working in customer service for 10 years also has a lot to do with it. My parents--and now my brother it seems--don't see this at all. I spent a large chunk of the weekend being reminded of the flaws I've spent a lifetime trying not to beat myself up over, only this time my brother sided with my parents instead of me. Like I said, thank heavens for Hannah. I imagine we would be friends regardless of her relationship with Brent had we met randomly or whatnot. What a relief. Of course, I can't be too hard on my brother. We have the same parents, and we both have depression, anxiety, and ADHD issues whether my parents choose to believe that or not. It's tough to never feel good enough, and I think that played a big role in him taking their sides of many arguments. At least, I hope that's the case.

The vacation itself was amazing, with great food (and some shopping!) and company and sunshine and lots of time to sleep. I needed it more than I realized, and I think the extra rest made me that much more eager to put the extra energy to work. Which reminds me--THEY DON'T HAVE A COFFEE POT. W.T.F. Anybody who knows me totally knows that I'm not exaggerating when I say I drink the equivalent of at least 8 shots of espresso everyday (I blame the fact that the cafe is right beside me). It was wonderful overall though, and I have a cute shot glass and magnet to remind me. Also, the new grown up Kelly has already sent them a thank you card--THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ;)

As eager as I was to get back, and as happy as I became the second I walked in the door at work on Tuesday morning, I knew changes were fast approaching. Riley, my favorite current manager--and probably my favorite one of all time--is moving (to NC oddly enough, though a different part) and it makes me so sad I'm not even sure how I will react once it sets in. He was very much the reason I was hired to begin with, and I have countless memories of inside jokes, late night clean ups when a corporate visit was imminent, trips to play pool, singing along with whatever random song came into his head (and sounding awful by comparison as he has an amazing voice), after work Steak 'n' Shake visits, pep talks, smoke breaks, laughter, bear hugs when I was sad or frustrated or both, and so much more that could never adequately be put into writing. He is an incredible person, and a great boss, and he will be missed more than he will ever know. I only hope that he stays in touch, and once in a great while pays us a visit. There are some people that you just have to know for the rest of forever. And he is definitely one of those people. His last day is tomorrow, and a few of us are trying to think of a good going away present. Fingers crossed we come up with something perfect.

As if that weren't enough, I only have a few weeks to recover from Riley's departure before Brandi also moves away. She is headed back home to Oak Ridge, so at least she is much closer and therefore highly likely to visit--and often (I hope). Still...it's going to be very, very hard to see her go. When you spend as much time at work as I do, and build the majority of your friendships around that environment, there are certain things that can only be understood by the people who live it day after day, year after year with you. Brandi had only been working there for a few weeks (or maybe a couple of months) when my 24th birthday rolled around. After they closed that night, she and Riley came out to buy me a drink and sing some karaoke with me--or so they thought. I was so sloshed by the time they arrived that I was a heaping mess of sobs instead of the party I'd been--oh--45 minutes earlier. Riley made sure I was okay and got me water and sprite, and went in to sing. There are few things I remember from the later part of that evening, but I heard his booming voice for sure--though what he was singing I can't recall. Brandi, who had only intended to drop by to wish me a happy birthday and buy me a drink, ended up staying for well over an hour as I poured my heart out to her--to this day I don't know entirely what all was said but she's never told a soul any of my secrets--before making sure I had a ride safely home. After that, she became one of my closest friends, though knowing my past and the number of things I could have--and probably did--say, she would have every right to, at the very least, avoid becoming uber close to me. Instead, she gained respect for me and what I've lived through and learned. Even now, there are few people who go above just acceptance and actually admire who and what I'm becoming even still. She is such a special person, even though on the surface it seems the only things we have in common are a love of Friends (ie the TV show) and a shared obsession of all things Harry Potter. She never shies away from talking politics and she is a firm atheist, and I avoid political discussions at all costs and am very much a Christian. None of that matters somehow, because we both seem to unconditionally love our friends and are deeply fascinated by people in general. For some reason, our friendship totally just works. Going from seeing a friend around 4 or 5 times a week to maybe that many times in a year is never easy, and it will be especially hard when she leaves because I'm certain I'll never meet anybody who so easily and completely accepts and loves me for who I am and not what she thinks I should be. Sure, we disagree, and there are topics we simpy avoid all together, but the things that matter most in my life--trust, honesty, hope, faith, respect, love, friends, and fun--seem to matter in hers too. What's more, most of our conversations happen in the little "window" between the register and the cafe when we used to work together at night--our schedules actually made it pretty hard to meet up outside of work to hang out and chat, and I could probably easily add up the number of times completely un-work related hang outs even happened. Of course, that's even more incredible--so few words, and so much understanding. I'm so blessed to have her as a friend, and even more so that she considers me one, and I know that we will stay in touch for years to come--but it doesn't make the immediate sadnes disappear. I'll miss her just the same.

I used to fear change with such intensity that it made me physically ill and threw me into a state of depression for days. As I've grown up, I seem to be able to take it a little more in stride. Perhaps it is because I had once feared I would lose touch with my high school friends only to find out that the bonds of those friendships are far stronger than I ever even dreamed. Knowing that I'm still close to them--in San Francisco, DC, Ohio, and Conneticut--gives me hope that I'll keep in touch with these friends too. Friends are very important to me, and Riley and Brandi are no exception. There won't be a day that goes by that I won't think of them; I know initially it will be in sadness, but I hope that one day it will be through laughter and warmth provided by those precious, hilarious memori
es.




**PICTURES**
Top Right: North Topsail Beach
Top Left: View of the sunset from the back porch
-->Hannah giving a smooch to our dinner
-->Hannah, Brent, Dad, Mom, and me (The George on the Waterfront)
-->Hannah and me: Pink Sparkle Drinks at The Little Dipper Fondue Place
-->Me, Riley, and Brooke (Riley's Daughter): BAM Farewell Dinner @ Taco Mac
-->Me, Riley, Brooke and Brandi making silly faces @ Taco Mac