I heart 25, Part 2: Books

So, I finally got around to continuing my "Favorite 25" idea, and today I decided to do it mostly because I'm avoiding cleaning (and yes, I realize I'm probably going to be up super late and get like no sleep for work, but hey--priorities) and because I have to unwind from this entire month of work--so blog, help friend with essay, clean,...bed. Between 3 different, insane budget cuts, our store hours changing and eliminating about 10 work hours a week, increased tasks to do with less people, and being personally responsible for essentially 3 separate jobs...it's been interesting. I love my job, always have, but I have to admit all of these changes are adding a lot of stress to my life. Of course, being car-less (ie having to be dropped off at work 2 HOURS before I clock in and a full hour before anybody--employees--even arrives) is a real pain--perhaps even more so for me since driving was sometimes the only way I could blow off steam AND because I feel like I'm an independent person who is being forced into strict dependency. It's tough. Also, because I'm saving up (hard to do when bills drain about 3/4 of your paycheck before noon on pay day) to fix my car, I spent most of my "off" days cleaning my landlord's house so I pay less rent and can--in theory--get my car back soon. Ugh--so yes, lots going on. So, before I go back to the real world of cleaning, planning, and helping....here's 25 of my favorite books (note, not my favorite 25--that would be impossible).

25 of the Best. Books. Ever. In my humble opinion, of course.

1) Harry Potter (all 7)--Everything about these makes them rank--forever--in my top 25 books. The plot, the writing style, the characters, the message, the wonderful twists and turns, the terribly upsetting moments--all of it makes for a very realistic story that just happens to take place in a magical world. Incredible.

2) The Giver--I read this for the first time when I was about 10 or 11, and I try to read it every year since that first time. It's written in such a way that a child can easily understand it, but it never feels like a child's story. If you haven't read it, do yourself a favor and get a copy. I promise you won't regret it.

3) The Hunger Games--the first series (adult or not) to capture my attention and keep a strong hold all the way through. Great writing and a great story. Can't wait to see the movie!

4) Wasted--I became an instant fan of this book before I even made it halfway through. It moved me for multiple reasons; the writing is unique and captivating, my degree in pscyh peaked my initial interest; and she seemed to effortlessly (though I know better) express what I've been trying to explain for years about the world when eating disorders and self-mutilation serve as both the things that are killing you AND the only way you can conceivably live at all.

5) Genie--About the modern day feral child from the 70s. Both intensely fascinating and unbelievably heart wrenching.

6) The Help--I also can't wait for this movie, both because I love the story and because I'm a big fan of Emma Stone (portraying Skeeter). Mississippi, silent rebellion, the perfect mix of hilarity and poignancy--wonderful.

7)The BFG--One of my favorite books of all time, and sadly, one that I haven't read in quite some time--though I've been meaning to for a while. I remember loving the whimsical nature of the story and finding it hard to not fall in love with the BFG. Roald Dahl was a genius.

8) The Babysitter's Club--As the first series I truly got completely, undeniably obsessed with, it will always hold a special place in my heart. Plus, now there's a prequel. Oh yeah.

9) A Tale of Two Cities--I can't really explain why anymore as it's been so long since I read it, but for some reason it is always one of the first books I mention when asked about favorites. Perhaps I should read it again--I know I wouldn't mind it one bit!

10) Rebecca--Mystery, intrigue, and the absence of the main character's first name--I just loved it. I'm typically not a mystery fan (I realize it's not classified as such, but it is a mystery in many ways), but Rebecca stuck with me in a forcibly haunting way.

11) Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons--I know, it sounds ridiculous--but that's kind of the point. I picked it up randomly for some fun reading, and was struck by the intricate story of a group of women whose book club is a lifesaver in so many ways. I loved all the characters and how the story progressed, but I think what makes it a favorite is that these radically different women have a friendship to be envied. In many ways, I see my GPS friends as younger versions of these women--and I felt this way years before we began our own book club--and more than anything, it makes me feel like my friends and I will always be just as we are now--busy, quirky, remarkably unlike...and forever loved by people who love each other no matter what.

12) The Pact (by Jodi Picoult, who also wrote My Sister's Keeper)--There is no way around the sadness and despair of this story, but somehow it is written in a way that embraces what can be learned from inconceivable loss instead of making it into a melodrama. It's pretty awesome.

13) Stephanie Plum series (Evanovich; 18 books so far)--THESE are my guilty pleasure, the books I read for the sake of laughter, and funnier with each book. Love them!

14) To Kill A Mockingbird--What's funny is that I HATED this book at first--and not just during my first reading of it, but through about 3 of them. It wasn't until I was almost through college that I began to love it, and I don't know what changed really. Part of it probably has to do with the fact that the play adaptation of the story was the last play I saw at Ole Miss, but it's more than that. It is so innocent in it's ripping apart of...innocence.

15) The Glass Castle--I'm not sure I could even begin to give this book justice for its awesome power. Somehow, Jeanette Walls explains the way in which a child can be so ashamed of their parents to the point of hatred, while simultaneously making you fall in love with them. It's a story that comes full circle without ever having to really move. Seriously, I'm failing on describing how incredible it is. READ IT.

16) Flowers in the Attic (and the other 4 books in the Dollanganger series)--I think I most liked these because they completely messed with my head. On the one hand, everybody who condemns these kids make valid points about their conception....and then love affair. Remarkably, however, I found myself rooting for Cathy and Chris (yes, brother and sister) to stay together as their only means of happiness, incest or not. To my relief, I found that everybody who has read them feels the same way; you know incest is wrong and are grossed out by it, but there you are--pulling for it in a twisted way. My brain spent a long time fighting with itself over this--and that's when I realized these books were pretty awesome. Weird and totally effed up, but amazing. Yeah--my mind still fights with itself over these. (Equally amazing by V.C. Andrews--My Sweet Audrina. Just saying.)

17) A Visit from the Goon Squad--A remarkably confusing, yet simple, story. It was a book club book, and I hope to find the time very soon to read it again. It's that good.

18) Indian in the Cupboard--I can still hear Mrs. Mabry reading this one aloud-- with accents and distinct personalities. While I think the story is great on its own, I think this one falls into my favorites category mostly because, while I had always loved to read (and still do), hearing this one come to life was the first time I truly understood that books are absolutely magical and meaningful in a myriad of ways. To put it simply, I found the way to step into stories as I read them instead of observing from the outside. It changed my life as a reader, and made me yearn to be a writer. To this day, I think it has much to do with why I find it so much easier to express myself in writing rather than speech--and why I'm still proud of my writing, even when I hated everything else about myself.

19) A Walk to Remember--Okay, it must be said: I really don't like Nicholas Sparks. I think he's cheesy and sappy and predictable and generally showered with undeserved praise. AWTR is different somehow. Yes, it is cheesy and dramatic at times, but the STORY that shines through all of that is remarkable. Beautiful and sad, touching and tragic, relatable and unimaginable--so much in a relatively short book. I'll give you this one, Sparks, but lay off the whining. Also, come out of the closet already--I mean, seriously.

20) A Time to Kill (and the film adaptation)--It's just plain GOOD. It's one of those stories that has something for everybody--romance, rebellion, racism, the legal system's skewed reality--and they talk about Ole Miss. What's not to love?

21) Chelsea Handler's books: Yes, all of them--I love her comedy and tv show, but it just gets better on paper. Part of me loves it because so many others hate it, but mostly I just love that she says out loud what EVERYBODY is thinking. Celebrities are ridiculous; they're practically satires of themselves. She's not afraid of the repercussions of what she says, because the power of celebrity crumbles when the flaws (ie the human part) are brought to the surface instead of hidden behind entourages who serve as the best paid motivational speakers--and often liars--in the world. Kathy Griffin is a fave of mine for similar reasons; as a girl who can't seem to NOT speak my mind, I find inspiration in those women who made a living out of it. Also, they're friggin' hilarious.

22) A Prairie Tale--One of the few celebrity autobiographies I really, truly liked. I picked it up as if to give that "genre" one last shot--after reading Here's the Story about Maureen Mccormick (Marcia Brady) and literally laughing out loud at both her crazy exaggerations (trust me, she'd be dead before she got to a third of her "story") and what I can only explain as her expectation that her target audience was full of ultra gullible and idiotic "humans" (granted, she was probably pretty dead on about that for most of the ones who read her book--and liked it). Melissa Gilbert, however, showed the very real problems with celebrity culture's biggest downfall of never, ever saying no to a celebrity request and how she still managed to stay pretty real and down to earth. She dabbled in drugs and became an alcoholic, with heartwrenching stories of what that does to a child and later, the adult that emerges...but she never lost her sense of humor or her childlike awe of the world and those who blessed her life. Good stuff.

23) The Velveteen Rabbit--If this doesn't make you cry (even just a little), then you have no soul. Or a deprived one at least. It's a classic whose status as such is one I wholeheartedly agree with, and I think the majority of the world could benefit from a story time circle with this as the book of choice. With so many things in life telling us ad nausem that looks are most important and you are only worth as much as your ability to starve yourself to death, this book is a simple reminder that is LOVE that makes you beautiful--and even emotional, physical, and repressed scars can not make you ugly once you are really and truly loved.

24) I Love You Forever--No lie, I can't even open the first page of this book without at least tearing up (and let's be honest, usually bawling like an idiot). I love it, but that sometimes still confuses me since I have spent years trying to--and pretty much succeeding--rid myself of the ability and NEED to cry. But this child's book? In so few words, it sums up what loving and being loved means. Seriously though? I wish it didn't bring on buckets of tears EVERY TIME. Or maybe I like it most BECAUSE of that. Who knows? I'm just positive it's a great book.

25) Gone With The Wind---An interesting choice, since it is one of the books that I've never read all the way through. It is, however, one that I'm trying once more to finish. It's not the story that keeps me from finishing--because it's an incredible one--but rather, life gets in the way every single time. My love for the movie and the incredibly dead-on character of Scarlett O'Hara keeps me attempting--over and over again to conquer. And I will, as God as my witness! After all, tomorrow is another day. Yeah, I went there.

So there you have it. 25 of my favorites, but nowhere close to all that comprises that list. I'll always find myself adding to this list, just as I'll always be learning something new. Reading IS magical, just as it was during that first revelation in the 4th grade. Life is crazy and time goes by too fast, but those favorite books of mine? They only change as they should--to teach me with every new reading that we are all children forever, as long as there are stories that take us somewhere new.

Clearly, I'm now obsessed with the number 25.

Now that I've settled nicely into being 25, the number seems to be following me everywhere--and by that, I mean I use it a lot for a variety of really random stuff. And I'm going to use it again--and again and again--now to make some of My Top 25 Favorite Lists. Movies, books, memories,...you know, perfectly random. Let's begin, shall we? (Side note, all of these are simply how I feel as of late. For many of these topics--ie movies--I could never settle of a list of 25 all time favorites and have it stay that way forever...not even if I said, say, my top 25 before I turned 25...it would still change. Some are typically on there, but you never know....just saying.)

Top 25 Favorite Movies

1) Harry Potter (I'll count them all as one for the sake of not using up 8 spots for them, but we all know they are totally worth it)

2) Girl, Interrupted

3) Beaches (mostly for the fond memories it invokes)

4) Steel Magnolias (once again, memories....also, "I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Oh, Shelby.)

5) Halloween (1,2,4,5,6...and the remake of the first one by Rob Zombie--BUT NOT THE 2ND REMAKE)

6) Sex and the City (the first one only, since the second one was one step below trash. Oh, and if you're judging me--suck it)

7) Black Swan (phenomenal!)

8) Raising Helen

9) My Sister's Keeper (I also loved the book, and felt that the radically different endings of the two was actually a very wise move--which I typically don't ever feel. For once, I felt like, while the ending of the book worked for print--especially the element of surprise--it would have appeared phony and overly theatrical in the movie. It's rare that Hollywood changes something to be less showy, and I understand why that's the case, but I think it was the best decision for this particular story. Highly recommend both reading and seeing this if you haven't already)

10) The Time Traveler's Wife (I never read it, and I'm sad I didn't. Honestly, I loved this most because I'm an uber fan of Rachel McAdams. Beyond that, the story was both sweet and realistic...and I love that, though I've watched it many times, the actual time traveling is so well done that you totally understand it and find it nearly impossible to keep up with his changes ages and time periods and what not. In this kind of instance, confusion is kind of fun.)

11) Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (though I was slightly disappointed by the 2nd film--mostly because I read the books long ago and didn't like how they merged 4 books into one film after dedicating an entire, separate movie to the first book, I adored the first film. The four main actresses--portraying Tibby, Lena, Carmen, and Bridget to almost perfection --amazed me with their abilities to show both the hilarious moments and the very real turmoil and pain that go hand in hand with being a teenager in modern society. Of course, that they did this so remarkably at such young ages was impressive; what was perhaps even more inspiring, however, was that their range in emotions in playing these characters was incredible for any age actor. I also just love the story of average friends with extraordinary moments--not just the obvious finding of the pants, but even more so their very typical hardships that were made bearable by their wonderful, yet extremely realistic, joint friendship. Loved it.)

12) Juno (love Ellen Page--also check out "An American Crime", which received almost no press even though it was based on a true story. In Juno alone, it is clear that Page is an incredible actress, but seeing her in "An American Crime" and the different sides of her personality and acting that must have gone into that--it just makes you grasp her range that much more. "Inception" evoked similar astonishment in me; it's a fast, frenzied story and sometimes the acting gets lost in those types of films, but if you really watch Page--and Dicaprio for that matter--the acting itself is awesome. Anyway--I loved Juno for many of the same reasons I like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants--it's real, honest, and unique. Remarkably, even with amazing amounts of ingenious humor, the heartache and turmoil is never lost in the mix. So impressed. Plus--it really is hilarious)

13) Carrie (mostly, I know I love this movie so much because it was the very first horror movie I ever watched, but it really is awesome. Whenever people challenge me to cite a story that I enjoyed more on screen than I did in text, this one always comes to mind. I'm not a huge Stephen King fan anyway--two blaring exceptions are Misery and The Green Mile --but King's story and descriptions pale in comparision to the on-screen action. Sissy Spacek was absolutely incredible--and I've been a huge fan ever since--but the "supporting" cast deserves much of the credit as well. For a story with such hightened, dramatic moments--many of which I have my serious doubts could ever happen--it never seemed overdone or particularly unrealistic to me...that's a pretty big feat in and of itself. I will say , when her hand reaches out of that grave at the end--well, it totally happened 8,000 times faster when I was 9 than it does now. Awesome movie though)

14) Marley and Me (considering I came dangerously close to a full on panic attack at the end of this movie when I saw it in theaters, it seems odd that it made this list. I have since purchased it and watched it a few more times; the thing is, it really is just as sad as it was the first time, but the acting and the moral of the story--so to speak--are absolutely amazing. Viewed as just a story about a family pet, it is moving and envokes all the right emotions at the best times; if you really analyze the entire plot and story and then the eventual outcome, however, it becomes so much more. Such an absolutely unique story of what makes life sweet and memorable--and what it really means to be a family)

15) Mommie Dearest (um...DUH. First, it's just an awesomely dramatic but somehow not overdone film. Second, Christina Crawford had such bravery--and probably a little need for just a bit of revenge--to tell her story, and I think it's truly one that needs to continue to be used as a learning tool. Though times are different now, many actors probably still adopt children for the publicity--I'm not saying they don't love their children and there isn't a great deal of hardship involved--but let's be honest--actors are still attention whores just as they were in Joan Crawford's day....worse still, the need for attention has increased exponentially as of late--and now there's the internet. Yeah, probably a lot for publicity. My biggest reason I love this movie? Faye Dunaway. I understand she never saw the film because she--I believe-- thought it was a horrible movie and was appalled by her own acting...but she totally missed out on her own awesomeness. The front of the DVD cover says it best--"Faye Dunaway IS Joan Crawford". For sure.)

16) Poltergeist (okay...a lot of this one is full of bad acting and ideas so outlandish they are just funny and I get that. Honestly though, the parts that needed to be acted out well were and even those things I more than likely don't believe in...well, I always believe them when I'm watching the movie. And Tangina--she's such a delicously creepy little know it all...and everything she says makes sense . Though I usually think Hollywood "cursed movie/film franchises" are totally made up...I kind of buy this one. I mean, there were lots of deaths that could be explained away--age, circumstance, etc.--but the deaths of the actresses portraying Carol Anne--at the age of 12 due to bowel obstruction--and her older sister--murdered in her driveway by an ex boyfriend--those seem a little cursed to me. Ultimately though, the best part of the movie has always been, and will always be the classic line, "They're heeeeeere!")

17) Terms of Endearment (also good is the sequel, The Evening Star, but it's hard to find and you won't miss too much if you don't ever get to see it--but it is good. Everything in TOE is awesome--the acting, the casting, the story, the reality....everything. Once again, as so many others believe, my favorite part is when Shirley MacLaine's character goes ape shit over her daughter having to wait--even for a couple of minutes max--to receive her pain shot. Epic. I hear that MacLaine and Debra Winger hated each other and avoided speaking when not shooting a scene such was their disdain for the other--if this is true, the thought is sad but I find it hard to believe as it is. Oddly enough though, that belief kind of makes it more fun to watch the movie to see if they let on any of their supposed contempt for each other. Note, in my probably hundreds of times watching it....I have yet to see any indication of that. Just makes you wonder)

18) Sybil (honestly, I'm pretty peeved that I don't own this one yet. It's, from what I can tell, impossible to find in a store and typically pretty expensive to buy online--unless you don't mind parts being cut out. And I ALWAYS mind parts being cut out. Even after more than 30 years since the film's release, there is still a debate as to whether or not the real life individual that Sally Field's character is based on had multiple personality disorder , and especially as to the number of distinct personalities she had ...and I don't know enough on the topic--even after researching it--to give any kind of educated guess. My instinct tells me to believe that she did had the disorder and that she probably had a great many distinct personalities, but what is crazily overlooked is that Sybil's mother--whether vastly overdone for the film or not--had an intensely scary schizophrenic personality. I mean, honest to God schizophrenia--which is also rare but not quite as much as having multiple personalities. I had a similar feeling watching this film as I did when reading "A Child Called It"--disgust, intrigue, and complete and utter disbelief--how could these people even reproduce with that much hatred buried so deeply within...and how in the hell were these children allowed to stay in these homes for any period of time, let alone years. It makes me want to be a social worker--if I thought I was strong enough to handle such things in real life. I'm not strong enough, and while I want to be so that I can help...more of me doesn't want to EVER get that strong--it's just too sick)

19) Flowers in the Attic (and the complete Dollanganger story, though after the first one you can only learn more through books since they didn't make the other 4 into movies. I put this under my movie category at all mostly because I first saw the film before I ever even knew there were books. I'll delve more into this story under the books category, but the movie wasn't half bad. I'd love to see a remake! Honestly, I'm still confused as to how I could ever find myself rooting for incest to work out--and intrigued that I'm not even close to the only one who feels this way. It's interesting--and fun--to read a story that makes you step back and take a look at your values and morals because none of it adds up. No, I don't condone incest and it grosses me out, but I dare you to read this story--and on a much smaller scale, see the movie--especially all 5 of the series, and tell me honestly and completely that you weren't rooting for Chris and Cathy to get together just a little...even as your rational mind is vomiting a little in its own mouth. Yeah, it's weird.)

20) Interview with the Vampire (totally want to read all this when I have the chance--side note. But yeah--this movie is just great. Brad Pitt, (sometimes) Tom Cruise, and my oh my, a little Kirsten Dunst. I loved this movie because it brought out every conceivable emotion--lust, rage, grief, intrigue....sometimes many at the same time. Once again, though on a smaller scale, it makes you step back and look at what you believe it. If vampires were real (or ARE real), then they are undead and seemingly evil. They kill to live. They show no mercy. And yet, there are those moments...the reaction, and really the entire Claudia's death plot line, of Louie when he opens the door hoping, in vain, that he's not too late to save his dear Claudia--and finds only the ashes of Claudia and (can't remember her name) the other woman intertwined in a terrified embrace....remarkable. Vampires shouldn't have emotions, not such strong ones of family and love at the very least, but these guys certainly do. Woohoo, Anne Rice!)

21) I Am Sam (the beginning of my respect and adoration for (almost) all Dakota Fanning films. Sean Penn is outstanding, and Michelle Pfieffer is equally great; the actors who play Sam's friends, though....the best. Yes, they pull at your heartstrings with their "handicaps", but what struck me the most is how often I would forget that such "limitations" were even there--or at the very least relevant. It was the story and the characters that made it so amazing, and though the story is first and foremost one of a father and daughter trying desparately to get back to each other, a big part of it--indeed, the reason there is an issue at all with separation--is because Sam is mentally handicapped. Sean Penn plays Sam remarkably, in large part because it is clear his number one concern was having and showing respect for the type of character he played-- nothing ever came off as hokey, or overly dramatic, or disrespectful--and that also played a part in allowing those who played his friends to shine not because of their limitations, but because of their strengths--mostly, intense loyalty to their friend. They all share the type of friendships we all strive for, and many never find. Of course, Dakota Fanning was my favorite part of the movie--mostly because she's doing these incredibly emotional, not at all over done, scenes at the age of SIX--but also because, when asked how she prepared to handle acting opposite Sean Penn's portrayal of one who is handicapped, she simply explained that she had an aunt who was like Sam--and she knew that her aunt didn't want to be treated any differently, and so never did. And she took that and applied it towards a stranger, because that was how it was ...she didn't treat Sam any differently than she would her aunt...or any other person she has ever come across. Astounding.)

22) Man on Fire (Dakota Fanning again--though she was totally 9 by the time she did this movie so its far less impressive--UH KIDDING. NINE?! Geez. Really though, Fanning and Denzel Washington played wonderfully off each other, and along with a strong, awesome story line--total hit. Love it, but it's a whole new kind of sad--you've been warned)

23) The Blind Side (uh, Ole Miss Football--enough said. On top of that, Sandra Bullock did one hell of a job and definitely earned her Oscar, and the Tuohy's are remarkable people....mostlybecause they have never once thought that they are. They did what was right and helped out someone who needed it--and fell in love with him. When they describe it, sometimes it's hard to remember why it's such an amazing story--because they just see it as a way to a family. Plus, I was at Ole Miss when the real Michael Oher was--I still get cool points for that. Just loved it.)

24) Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion (mostly the memories, but also because it's friggin' hilarious...and it gets funnier and funnier EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch it. It's one of those movies you can quote and in a group of ten, there's a good shot at least a couple of them will know what you are referencing---or just finish the quote. Dumb and Dumber is the same way-- stupid, yes, but brilliant. D & D was the first of that type of "dumb humor" movie I ever watched, and I'm so glad I watched it with my brother! He told me, right before starting the movie--this movie is stupid, there's no real plot, and it doesn't end with a moral. If you expect it to be smart, you're going to hate it. Anticipate the stupid humor, and go with it. Best advice ever. Movies that are just for fun and don't require you to twist together intricate story lines--or really, even think at all--can just be the best sometimes. I still think of Brent's advice when I see a movie that I know is meant to be stupid , and leave the movie totally stoked that I learned absolutely nothing, but totally got my laugh on.

25) Clueless (for so, so many epic reasons. Classic.)



Well, as per usual, turns out I had a lot to say on just one topic, so I'll leave it with just movies on this one! Still to come, music (artist, song, genre), books, memories, websites...and I'm sure I'll think of more in the mean time. This was fun though--just have to head to work now, so I'll bid you all adieu :) ...For now...

Bittersweet Memories & Living on Dreams

Well, I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I'm a big believer of blogging only when something of value happens--and something interesting enough for people to want to actually read. My days are pretty routine; I work all the time--and still love it--and spend most of the rest of my time at home reading, cleaning, chatting, or occasionally out shooting pool with work buddies. There is very little variation in my day-to-day, and that's typically how I prefer it.

Every once in a while, spicing it up a little is nice though--and thus my trip (with my parents--gulp) to visit my brother in North Carolina over Memorial Day weekend. I had a ton of fun, but surprisingly I didn't think it ended too soon. By the time we packed up to head back to Chattanooga, I was ready to get back to work and my friends...and my boring day to day. The first and last days of the trip were travel days (the trip was about 10 hours one way), but luckily my Dad actually let us all rotate driving, so we each drove roughly 3-4 hours of the trip each way. In the past few years, I've developed motion sickness I just didn't have in the past, so it was nice to not be confined to the back of the car for the duration of the trip. Plus, both times I drove, we cut major time off the trip. Once we arrived on Thursday, we had 3 full days to visit, and we filled them up with beach time, a good meal out and a different place for dessert, deep sea fishing, shopping, lounging...and just hanging out together. My brother lives with his girlfriend, Hannah, on North Topsail Island--a little more than an hour outside of Wilmington. Let me just tell you--Hannah is the coolest person ever. I met her at Christmas, but that visit was very schizophrenic as they only stayed a couple of days and I had to work a lot during the holidays (naturally), so I didn't get to really hang out as much as I would have liked. Also, Hannah's dog Mizzie, who spent a very excited white Christmas with us, had to be put to sleep as she kept getting sicker and sicker seemingly without cause (most likely cancer). This all happened just days before we visited, so it made it sad in a way, but I'm glad we were there to keep her mind off of it. Besides my brother's happiness, I selfishly hope they end up getting married just so that I will have a totally kick ass sister in law. Most of the weekend, she was the one who kept me sane.

Until I got back from NC, I hadn't really thought of how long it has been since we had a family vacation of any sort. The soccer trips that occupied much of my childhood ceased to play a major role in my life starting when I got involved (heavily that is--I've played sports most of my life, but the importance of soccer to my brother didn't find a place in my life until I joined the cross country team when I was 15) in my own activities and branched off into those worlds. My brother graduated high school in 2001, but we stopped going on a large number of soccer trips when I was about 11 or 12, or when he was around 15 and played Baylor soccer instead of on the traveling teams. So, in all honesty, my family hasn't spent a lot of time together somewhere other than Chattanooga in a pretty long time. When I was growing up, we went to Jamaica, Cancun, the Bahamas, Florida (soccer related and not)...all before I entered high school. In fact, the trip I took to California is March marked the first time I ever went on a plane both as an adult and by myself; it had been more than 10 years since I'd been on one period. Family dynamics are different when the children are not yet in their teens (or just entering them) and when they are in their 20s. I love my family, but they absolutely bring out the worst in me. As I've gotten older, my temperment has evened WAY out compared to how I acted (and reacted) in my youth. Partly, this happened as my hormones evened out, but working in customer service for 10 years also has a lot to do with it. My parents--and now my brother it seems--don't see this at all. I spent a large chunk of the weekend being reminded of the flaws I've spent a lifetime trying not to beat myself up over, only this time my brother sided with my parents instead of me. Like I said, thank heavens for Hannah. I imagine we would be friends regardless of her relationship with Brent had we met randomly or whatnot. What a relief. Of course, I can't be too hard on my brother. We have the same parents, and we both have depression, anxiety, and ADHD issues whether my parents choose to believe that or not. It's tough to never feel good enough, and I think that played a big role in him taking their sides of many arguments. At least, I hope that's the case.

The vacation itself was amazing, with great food (and some shopping!) and company and sunshine and lots of time to sleep. I needed it more than I realized, and I think the extra rest made me that much more eager to put the extra energy to work. Which reminds me--THEY DON'T HAVE A COFFEE POT. W.T.F. Anybody who knows me totally knows that I'm not exaggerating when I say I drink the equivalent of at least 8 shots of espresso everyday (I blame the fact that the cafe is right beside me). It was wonderful overall though, and I have a cute shot glass and magnet to remind me. Also, the new grown up Kelly has already sent them a thank you card--THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ;)

As eager as I was to get back, and as happy as I became the second I walked in the door at work on Tuesday morning, I knew changes were fast approaching. Riley, my favorite current manager--and probably my favorite one of all time--is moving (to NC oddly enough, though a different part) and it makes me so sad I'm not even sure how I will react once it sets in. He was very much the reason I was hired to begin with, and I have countless memories of inside jokes, late night clean ups when a corporate visit was imminent, trips to play pool, singing along with whatever random song came into his head (and sounding awful by comparison as he has an amazing voice), after work Steak 'n' Shake visits, pep talks, smoke breaks, laughter, bear hugs when I was sad or frustrated or both, and so much more that could never adequately be put into writing. He is an incredible person, and a great boss, and he will be missed more than he will ever know. I only hope that he stays in touch, and once in a great while pays us a visit. There are some people that you just have to know for the rest of forever. And he is definitely one of those people. His last day is tomorrow, and a few of us are trying to think of a good going away present. Fingers crossed we come up with something perfect.

As if that weren't enough, I only have a few weeks to recover from Riley's departure before Brandi also moves away. She is headed back home to Oak Ridge, so at least she is much closer and therefore highly likely to visit--and often (I hope). Still...it's going to be very, very hard to see her go. When you spend as much time at work as I do, and build the majority of your friendships around that environment, there are certain things that can only be understood by the people who live it day after day, year after year with you. Brandi had only been working there for a few weeks (or maybe a couple of months) when my 24th birthday rolled around. After they closed that night, she and Riley came out to buy me a drink and sing some karaoke with me--or so they thought. I was so sloshed by the time they arrived that I was a heaping mess of sobs instead of the party I'd been--oh--45 minutes earlier. Riley made sure I was okay and got me water and sprite, and went in to sing. There are few things I remember from the later part of that evening, but I heard his booming voice for sure--though what he was singing I can't recall. Brandi, who had only intended to drop by to wish me a happy birthday and buy me a drink, ended up staying for well over an hour as I poured my heart out to her--to this day I don't know entirely what all was said but she's never told a soul any of my secrets--before making sure I had a ride safely home. After that, she became one of my closest friends, though knowing my past and the number of things I could have--and probably did--say, she would have every right to, at the very least, avoid becoming uber close to me. Instead, she gained respect for me and what I've lived through and learned. Even now, there are few people who go above just acceptance and actually admire who and what I'm becoming even still. She is such a special person, even though on the surface it seems the only things we have in common are a love of Friends (ie the TV show) and a shared obsession of all things Harry Potter. She never shies away from talking politics and she is a firm atheist, and I avoid political discussions at all costs and am very much a Christian. None of that matters somehow, because we both seem to unconditionally love our friends and are deeply fascinated by people in general. For some reason, our friendship totally just works. Going from seeing a friend around 4 or 5 times a week to maybe that many times in a year is never easy, and it will be especially hard when she leaves because I'm certain I'll never meet anybody who so easily and completely accepts and loves me for who I am and not what she thinks I should be. Sure, we disagree, and there are topics we simpy avoid all together, but the things that matter most in my life--trust, honesty, hope, faith, respect, love, friends, and fun--seem to matter in hers too. What's more, most of our conversations happen in the little "window" between the register and the cafe when we used to work together at night--our schedules actually made it pretty hard to meet up outside of work to hang out and chat, and I could probably easily add up the number of times completely un-work related hang outs even happened. Of course, that's even more incredible--so few words, and so much understanding. I'm so blessed to have her as a friend, and even more so that she considers me one, and I know that we will stay in touch for years to come--but it doesn't make the immediate sadnes disappear. I'll miss her just the same.

I used to fear change with such intensity that it made me physically ill and threw me into a state of depression for days. As I've grown up, I seem to be able to take it a little more in stride. Perhaps it is because I had once feared I would lose touch with my high school friends only to find out that the bonds of those friendships are far stronger than I ever even dreamed. Knowing that I'm still close to them--in San Francisco, DC, Ohio, and Conneticut--gives me hope that I'll keep in touch with these friends too. Friends are very important to me, and Riley and Brandi are no exception. There won't be a day that goes by that I won't think of them; I know initially it will be in sadness, but I hope that one day it will be through laughter and warmth provided by those precious, hilarious memori
es.




**PICTURES**
Top Right: North Topsail Beach
Top Left: View of the sunset from the back porch
-->Hannah giving a smooch to our dinner
-->Hannah, Brent, Dad, Mom, and me (The George on the Waterfront)
-->Hannah and me: Pink Sparkle Drinks at The Little Dipper Fondue Place
-->Me, Riley, and Brooke (Riley's Daughter): BAM Farewell Dinner @ Taco Mac
-->Me, Riley, Brooke and Brandi making silly faces @ Taco Mac

Parties at 25 certainly are different from those in years past...

I'm so proud--writing another blog only 4 days after the last one. So, after my lengthy blog on the 5th, I had to work the following day but THEN...I went out downtown to celebrate my birthday with some of my friends and it was so low-key, which was exactly how I wanted it, and I had a blast! It was a completely random group of friends, but luckily I make the kind of friends who can meet new people and instantly hit it off. The group consisted of: Me, Evan (who drove me there and back--whew!), Murphy, Evangeline (who sadly got sick and had to leave early--SAD!), Kayla, Brittany, and Bill. We ate at Chili's, where I decided to have not one, but TWO, specialty (read: GIANT) margaritas--Tropical Sunrise and Chambord 1800--which were delicious but deadly to a girl who rarely drinks anymore, and never drinks tequila at all. Of course, we got queso and chips and salsa, and then I had the chicken crispers for my main dish. After we were done, the group moved to the Big Chill, and this is where Evie left us :(. Everybody but Kayla got the Orange Dream slushie drink thing, and she got the Sangria one. All of them were made with PGA, so we were riding high after those, even though I only drank about half of mine because I was drinking too slow and they wanted to move on. The last stop was Taco Mac--and here my final drink was red wine, my old faithful friend--and this was when Brandi joined us! Even though it was freezing outside, we didn't mind because, well, we were all tipsy, and because we were enjoying the conversation so much. What we DID mind, however, was the fact that it seemed every crazy homeless person spotted us and felt the need to talk to our table. I must say, it was pretty hilarious, but WTF?! Either the number of crazy homeless has exponentially increased since I last "partied' downtown (in December for Erika's bachelorette party), or I was too drunk to notice before. It's weird visiting old favorite bars when you have a completely different outlook on drinking.

Actually, it's a little strange just to revisit those old memories--bittersweet, perfect in my mind, like the stories of another person. In many ways I am a different person from even last year, and even more so from my college days. Granted, I'm still me--adore my friends, love to read, a workaholic through and through, goofy as hell--but I'm glad that I have let the alcohol-soaked days pass me by. My memories from college are excellent, but it exhausts me just to think about the late nights and the sheer number of drinks I used to be able to down without passing out or dying. In many ways, I'm more like my high school self these days than my college self. Instead of drinking to have fun, I let my creativity do its thing...and it usually ends up surprising me. Don't get me wrong--sometimes, drinks are still pretty fabulous ;)

Anyway--I got home after 2 AM on Friday night/Saturday morning and I've worked early in the morning every day since then. Needless to say, I'm excited to have Monday "off" from work--formal work that is. I've still got lots to do--cleaning my house and my landlord (to decrease my rent and save for a car), a few errands to run (grocery store!), and a book club Skype date in the evening. Sorry there aren't any pictures from my birthday party--we all just got so into talking we didn't take any. Oh, old age...haha.

25 Things I've Learned in 25 Years (but mostly since adulthood)

1) Age really is just a number, but the years do start to fly by more and more quickly as you get older. Really, it's the company you keep that allows you to act like a child when you need to rant, a teenager when you need to be silly, and an adult when things need to be serious...I'm so glad I have friends who let me do all of these things--and with style.

2) Being cool doesn't mean you have to follow the crowd; in fact, much of the time the opposite is true. Don't hurt others or disagree to get what you want in life, but don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Also, it doesn't matter what other people consider fun--or even what you may have once thought to be so--find the activities that you most enjoy and embrace them, without losing the ability to compromise.

3) Hangovers DO exist. In college, I could literally party until 6:30 AM, sleep from then until 8 AM, and be up, ready, and at work by 8:30 AM. Looking back, I know I had to completely reek of whiskey and beer, but then again...who didn't? With the exception of a few times--mostly when I mixed a bunch of liquors in a single night--I just didn't get hangovers. Usually, I had a headache that was more of an annoyance than really painful, and typically it was gone within a couple of hours. Now, however, my hangovers last all day and often well into the next night, and usually they pop up after I've been awake for a few hours and think I'm in the clear. Sneaky little bastards. What's more--this isn't really a big deal to me anymore. If I want to drink, I do it in moderation and try to end the night kind of early, drink lots of water and take aspirin before bed, have another glass of water and two more aspiring waiting for me in the morning, and make sure to always eat something substantial before I drink. Occasionally--read, perhaps 4 times a year--I go all out, even knowing about the hangover to come. It's simple really--I just do it before a day off at work.

4) Most of the time, I really like to clean (especially laundry because of the fresh scent and easy feeling of accomplishment). For the most part, I've found a way to enjoy the actual act of cleaning, but it's more than that. I really do feel better coming home to a clean house after work, because it's a great feeling and it also means that I can spend my downtime reading (or watching movies or the occasional TV show) with a glass of red wine.

5) I love to read, and I normally like to spend time with other people who enjoy it too. In reality, this is something I've known all my life, but it has become so much more apparent in the past few years. Just a couple of months ago, my dream of starting a book club--or rather, one that will actually last--became a reality. Even more exciting is the fact that it's a long distance book club--with Iz, Karen, and Jamie. For one thing, finding out what others like to read is always fun, and I always like to try new types of books, but it's hard to branch out on a whim. Naturally, having others pick books for you 3 out of every 4 months is refreshing and interesting, and I still have time to read other things that I am interested in as well. The greatest part, of course, is that I get to keep in touch with my friends a little more, even if it's just for an hour on Skype every month and exchanging e-mails. It's a nice addition to friend time.

6) Reality TV is the devil. Yes, I watch Dancing With The Stars, and sometimes other shows will be on in the background as I'm cleaning, but for the most part, I can't stand them. For one thing, they are about as unrealistic as you can get, and there is enough drama in my own life (even if there's not most of the time--by choice) without adding fake drama on top of it. When The Real World, one of the first reality shows, first came on the air, the "reality" was a lot more real. Of course there was editing and leading questions, but 7 random people really did have to live together in a house and get a job and find out what happened. Now, however, they stage it so that there is usually a flamboyantly gay guy who has to live with a (typically Southern, which is so stereotypical) homophobe of the most extreme kind. Or, there's the over-the-top racist with a overly tempermental black guy (I'm not trying to be racist here, as I've seen it happen with other minorities too, but this seems to be the most common). And of course, there are always at least one--but usually more--slutty girl who drinks too much and hooks up with all the guys (and sometimes the girls) in the house. Actually, there is a lot of sex in general, which is a GREAT example for the targeted audience of teens and young adults. More than anything, I miss the sitcoms of the past that were so awesome that viewers became a part of the life of the show, and felt as if they knew the characters (ie Friends, Will and Grace, Seinfield, I Love Lucy, Laverne and Shirley, etc). There are a few of those still around, and I think (and hope!) that they are making a comeback, but in the meantime I'm really sick of the fact that there is, quite literally, a reality show for everything you can think of--families of multiples, little people, the Kardashians (don't even get me started), people who drive trucks in bad conditions, BRIDALPLASTY, and the list goes on. Where's the creativity? I miss that most of all.

7) Quoting classic, cult, or generally crazy movies is an art form. If, upon meeting somebody for the first time, I can start a quote of a favorite movie and they can finish it--we're soulmates. Not that it's the end all be all of deciding a friendship, of course, but it just means we'll get there faster. Many of these now "older" movies are entwined with my childhood and fond memories, and I love when others see it that way too, or at least where I'm coming from concerning this topic. I know, it's weird, but then so am I. FYI--the same holds true for singing Disney songs.

8) It really is the little things that matter in life. Calling to say a quick hello, sending a letter, offering to buy somebody a drink at work, making an extra espresso shot, doubling back to give a quick hug, letting somebody over in traffic, taking five minutes out of your day to listen to somebody talk about whatever they want, bonding with a stranger over something random (like a book, purse, movie, drink, whatever), complimenting somebody on something little such as a new hairstyle or their shoes, going out for a drink with an old friend just to catch up, writing a letter (a personal favorite of mine) instead of just writing on their Facebook wall or sending a text message, drinking a cup of coffee and watching the sun rise, drinking a glass of wine as the sun sets, hammocks and porch swings, homemade iced tea and lemonade, using a family member's recipe for a favorite dish (like my Nanny's peach cobbler), getting off work at the perfect time to feel the warmth of the sun and the wind in your hair, driving with the windows rolled down and cheesy music blaring, scarves, not having to explain yourself to an old friend--because they just understand, memories, the perfect margarita paired with chips and salsa, good makeup and/or hair days, the smell of fresh cut grass, rainy days with no responsibilities, traditions, becoming friends with your parents and siblings, long walks in pretty weather, swinging like you did before anybody told you it was for children. I used to think only the big moments--birthdays, proms and dances, graduations, getting a new car or house (which is nice, don't get me wrong), and the like--were the parts of life that would mean the most and stay with me the longest. Many of them do, but those little day to day ups and downs, laughter that requires you to catch your breath and tears that subside when others catch you, impromptu sing-a-longs or dance numbers and unexpected heart-to-hearts--these are the spice of life, the memories you wrap yourself in when the world just doesn't seem to understand, the in-between moments that make you who you become.

9) While I may be scatter-brained and have an almost laughable short term memory at times, I have an uncanny long term memory for the things that truly matter. When people think it doesn't matter, or that my grief has shielded kind words and words of wisdom, I remember. The hugs that allow me to breathe and think of the important things are etched in my memory. Late night gab sessions and the laughter of friends forms the melody that lulls me to sleep at night. Every time somebody told me I was worth it, or that they loved me, or that I am strong or brave--these have kept me sane and ALIVE. Years of hearing what others thought I did not--because I continued to feel the need to hurt myself and acted on these impulses--have allowed me to begin to like AND love myself. The act of healing from my pain and past will follow me throughout my lifetime, but I know I can overcome much more than I was believed possible of myself, because I remember. Small acts of kindness, simply listening to me, a quick hug, and those who tell me that my past and life has helped them--these things have saved me. I don't take anything for granted, because I remember my past and I understand that nothing lasts forever. I will continue to tell people that matter so much in my life that I love them and that I care about them and I will never stop thanking the ones who have stayed in my life--and silently the ones who have faded away--because I remember.

10) You are never to old to act like a child. Catching lightening bugs, dancing in the rain, curling up on the couch with my parents, watching home movies (a favorite past time of mine when I was little), quoting every line of "Dumb and Dumber" with my brother, chasing down the ice cream truck to get a push-up pop, drinking too much of my mom's sweet tea...oh yes. Kids have the right idea about quite a few things, and it's okay to sometimes just act like a kid.

11) Red wine is amazing. For years, my mother tried to get me to like red wine, but I always found it too bitter. Now, I love it. It doesn't hurt that (in moderation, of course) it is very good for you.

12) Holding on to the past is pointless, but neglecting to learn from it keeps you from growing as a person. I try now to remember fondly those things that I never wanted to end, but I remind myself that we can only go forward and clinging to those things only results in sadness. Yes, I loved high school and adored college, but I can't ever go back. That also means that nobody can take away my memories, and I think a part of me feared that for a long time. Plus, there are a lot more memories to be made, and knowing that, I can look to the future eager to see what comes my way.

13) My parents made both me and my brother get jobs at the age of 15, telling us if we wanted a car when we turned 16, we had to earn money and pay for our own insurance and gas, as well as the things that we did for pure enjoyment (such as going to movies with friends or buying "toys"). At the time, though I liked my job, I hated having to work and my parents for making me do it. We also knew that they were only going to buy us one car, and if we wrecked it, we had the buy the rest on our own. If we made big mistakes, like getting a DUI for instance, we were responsible for paying for them both monetarily and legally. When each of these things happened to me, I ranted and raved that I should have to pay for a mistake anyone could make. Yet, when I worked my butt off during the summer of 2005 to save money to buy myself a car, I took great pride in buying one at the age of only 19. Looking at the potential consequences of what that DUI could have cost me--the life of others or myself--instead of stewing over the idea of giving all of my money to the court system, I am grateful that my parents made me pay for everything myself instead of caving and letting me keep my money. For one thing, I learned that if somebody doesn't really have to feel the sting of making a mistake that big, they won't ever learn to own up and be responsible for anything significent. Paying hundreds, thousands, of dollars for it ensured I wouldn't ever want to do it again--and that's stuck with me. That holds true for most things. When you have to spend your own money, it makes you sit back and really consider what is important to buy and what is merely for fun. Obviously, I'm still not perfect with my money, but I have learned to be much more responsible with it. Leaving college, many people have to learn to live in the real world and pay bills and balance out expenses for the first time as everything hits them at once, but I had already been dealing with things in the "real world" for a long time. It was a lucky one up on my generation. Oddly enough, that first job had one more lesson in store that I only just now began to really see--it is important to treat yourself. Almost every paycheck, I buy myself something that is just for fun--a movie, earrings, ice cream, drinks--without compromising my ability to pay my bills. It's important to be able to enjoy the money you spend countless hours a day, week, month, year earning--and it keeps you from getting fed up and buying something extravagant and expensive that you may not need. A nice perk is that I have made friends at my jobs, and kept up with many of these people. Yep, good job Mom and Dad.

14) I am strong, brave, and hardworking. Believe you me, these were tough to learn...and I'm still learning them. Truth is, you can't go through what I have and not have a little something extra. I've learned to laugh through the pain and never, ever be ashamed of my scars and stories. They make me who I am, and I kind of like that person.

15) Driving stick shift beats letting an automatic car drive you anyday. There are few things that I enjoy more in life, and I don't mind looking like a bad ass behind the wheel. From a practical standpoint, I feel so much safer knowing that I can drive almost any car if the need arises. But mostly--it's just fun.

16) The less I worrry about my weight (and calories consumed versus calories burned), the better it actually becomes. I know this seems obvious, but for a girl who thought of virtually nothing else for about five years, this is a big step and revelation. Even though science and nature taught me that, in reality, starvation actually causes your body to hold onto weight and working out too much causes the breakdown of muscle in your body and the retention of fat for survival....I didn't live in reality. My mind saw what it wanted to see, and that image of myself as a huge monster of a person overrode what was really there--a little girl quite literally killing herself. Now, I tend to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not--though not all the time--and while I very much want to start working out more, it's to feel stronger and healthier instead of trying to disappear. With a degree in psychology and ten years of living with eating disorders under my belt, I'm very aware that these problems will never really go away--I'm not that naive and I also know that believing they will only leads me to relapse time and time again. But, on the flip side, I now have another weapon in my arsenal--knowing what healthy feels like. And no matter what the disorders will try to tell me, I know a secret--I have fought and won time and timer again, and I AM STRONGER THAN THE DISEASES.

17) Cutting, though it may feel as if I am relieving pain that has no other way to escape, is never a true solution. After all is said and done, I have to wake up the next day knowing that I have scarred myself, and the emptiness has not gone away. It has been a year and four months since I have cut myself, and that is a wonderful gift I have given myself--and all of those who suffer with me. Though I'm not ashamed of my past, I do not want it to be my future.

18) Creativity is fading in this world, but it is not lost forever. As those reality shows creep up the ratings and almost all of the movies as of late seem to be based on books instead of new ideas (not always a bad thing, but often it is), it's hard to find creativity in the arts these days. There is still beauty everywhere, however, and if you look for it, the foundation comes from an often unexpected source. I'm so glad I work in a bookstore, because I am constantly surprised by what, often young, authors create. In my heart, I believe there will be a resurgence of creative voice, and in the meantime, I'll be listening for it.

19) Though I don't regularly attend church, I'm not against it as I once thought I was. I still believe that God is everywhere, but I would love to find a new, strong place to worship that isn't bogged down in politics and hypocrisy. It will be a challenge for sure, but I think it's possible. Church used to represent only preaching and judging to me, but now I see that it is simply a place for believers to gather with others who also love God. I don't think you have to attend every Sunday, and I won't, but I think the loving friendship I have with God can be strengthened at the right place and with the right (for me) people.

20) I really don't like humidity, but my love for the South (usually) overrides that dislike. Loving the south is nothing new to me, but I used to love it blindly. Now I see that, as with anywhere else, it has flaws--but there is so much more here that I wish people took the time to see. Southern hospitality is real, racism exists here just as it does everywhere else and we don't hold the reigns on it, true art--especially in literature--is abundant here and we and we are both appreciative and proud of that fact, and we aren't all rednecks here--but there's really nothing wrong with people who love their country music, their trucks, and their mamas. But seriously, the humidity is a killer.

21) Support the military, even if you don't support the war. Obviously, I learned this through having a brother who, as a Marine, went to both Iraq and Afghanistan and defended the freedom many of us take for granted. Not for a second will I hesitate to admit that I'm very much AGAINST the war and the government's take on it, but the men and women who fight to keep me free? They are, and always will be, HEROES. In the past, before Brent went to war, I thought of soldiers and the war as a unit, but now I know that these heroes are brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, grandchildren, uncles and aunts, somebody's best friend, and somebody's hero long before they put on that uniform. Growing up, my brother was my hero. Now, he's America's hero. In this case, I'll share.

22) Mental illness is very real, very scary, and very dangerous. That being said, our society is grossly over diagnosed and over medicated. There should be no shame in having a mental illness, but it shouldn't be something we strive to discover within ourselves to avoid living. After I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 17 and hospitalized at 18, I avoided going to a therapist until I was 24. For one thing, I thought once diagnosed, nothing could or would change and that was it. My last diagnosis was a combination of ADHD, depression, and anxiety. Once put on the correct medication for ADHD, the symptoms of my depression and especially my anxiety decreased signifcantly in severity. Though it took nearly a month of waiting and hours upon hours of testing, I'm so grateful for what this has done for me. The issues are still there, but they aren't everything to me anymore. A lot of people bitch and moan about the time it takes, and the money it costs, to go through all of that; for me, it was well worth it to feel like I should have felt all along. So, if you think you have a mental illness, go for some tests. It's not a death sentence, I promise. On the flip side, don't go looking for a problem that isn't there. Sometimes, life is hard--and medicating yourself against reality isn't the solution. Allowing yourself to live, no matter how hard it may be.

23) Silence is golden--sometimes. For years I hated to be alone, afraid of what I would have to face within myself when the chatter around me stopped. Parties, games, practice, reading whatever I could find even if it didn't interest me--these were my ways of hiding from the darkness. Always a social butterfly, I do still love to be around people and try new things and see the world through another's eyes. My friends mean the world to me, and my family is a ridiculous amount of fun (most of the time HAHA), but now I don't mind being alone; indeed, sometimes I prefer it. Yes, I still spend much of the time reading or watching movies, but I take the time to find the things that interest me. Dark thoughts often creep into my mind as I once feared, but I'm not so afraid of them anymore. They are mine, and if I have to work through them, so be it. As it turns out, I'm not my own worst enemy, but instead a strong ally.

24) My friends are just as amazing as I always believed, but not just for the reasons I once thought. They are funny, smart, beautiful, honest, caring, feisty people, but they are not perfect. For a long time, I put them on a pedestal because I believed they had saved my life time and time again. In many ways, they have and continue to do so. What I found in the past few years though, is that it was unfair for me to put my life in their hands--both for me and for them. Of course, they knew that. By loving me despite what I put them and myself through, they didn't save me --they showed me how to save myself. They are still my angels, my sisters, but now I see that, sometimes, I'm their angel too.

25) Arguably the most important thing I've learned these past 25 years is that... I still have so much to learn. I also have so much to teach and give to the world. I don't think we ever stop learning, and that's a beautiful thing. Some lessons will be simple and straightforward--just the other day at work I learned that the word "wert" means "thou were"--and others will be metaphorical or spiritual, even confusing. I will learn things that I only understand years later, and some things I will never completely understand. Of course, that in and of itself is a lesson. Without a doubt, I'm so glad that I'm 25. For weeks, months really, I dreaded the day because it just sounded and seemed so OLD, but I'm just old in (some aspects) of wisdom and young in spirit, drive, and, truth be told, AGE. Now that I'm here, I wouldn't really want to be younger. I like that I prefer to stay at home with a good book or have dinner at a friend's house over partying until 5 AM. And I like that I still have the spirit that compels me to, every so often, party until 5 AM. I like understanding more about the world, and in turn myself, and that only comes with age. I like that the opinions of others are important for other reasons now; instead of judging my worth through the eyes of others', I'm beginning to embrace diversity of mind, body, and spirit. Most of all, I love that I'm alive and loved and always, constantly, learning.




*PICTURES*
1) Okay, so I think I'm technically 17 in this picture, but it's close enough. I remember my Junior Prom fell on May 3rd because I turned 17 at my Prom after midnight--but I can't remember when Senior Prom fell. At any rate, we'll say I was 18. Oh man--I had such mixed emotions at this time in my life. On the one hand, I was totally stoked about college--and I'd known for a long time that I'd be heading to Ole Miss--and couldn't wait to branch out. But I also knew what I was leaving behind and how I'd never find a place quite like GPS anywhere in the world, and I could only hope that my friends and I would stay close. Of course, we have.

2) Cotton Ball; Summer 2005. It was so awesome to be back in Chattanooga, with my GPS girls, and any excuse to dress up--especially in a wedding dress!--is fine by me. I knew at the time that it was basically an excuse for the "rich folk" (which I was not--I was invited because I attended GPS) to get wasted among friends and not be judged. I also knew it was deeply rooted in tradition, and even if people had long ago forgotten--or at the very least, ceased to care--about what it represented, I loved feeling so deeply Southern, so very Gone With The Wind.

3) Just a couple of months before I could legally drink, and I'm CLEARLY drunk here. Even though it's a terribly unflattering picture of me, I like it because it's from when I lived with Kristin. Since she is one of the friends I regularly keep in touch with from college--and with the exception of maybe Meredith, I think the college friend I've stayed in touch with the longest (I mean, REALLY kept in touch with and not just the occasional FB chat). I was 20 and a sophomore in college, and I didn't think life could get much better. It could, and did, but only after some tears and fights.

4) My 21st birthday--May 4th, 2007. I'm holding my first legal drink--a jolly rancher martini. We (me, Kristin, and Jessica) were at Old Venice, and I was so excited. Kristin had already given me my pink flask, and I had hours of drinking, friends, and fun ahead of me--most of which I remember.

5) Once again, I'm not technically 22 yet in this picture, but it was within a couple of months and is one of the best pictures of me with Elise and Lauren, and they were the people I hung out with when I was 22 anyway. Elise, Lauren, and I are at Parrish's--which has since shut down and "reopened" down the square (but it's not the same at all, hence the quotations). We loved this bar, and we celebrated many late nights and happy hours there--once, I even studied for an exam there over nachos and beer...and made an A--and it holds some of my favorite memories of all time.

6) Ah yes, age 23 and a pool shark--at least I look like one. Jessica (NOT the same one from the 21st birthday story) and I actually visited Chattanooga for Spring Break for some reason, and this was at a place called Coyote's. It was sleazy, rundown, and my parents told us not to go. We had a blast.

7) Erika's wedding in March 2011. I'm 24 and with my best friends from GPS--see, we did all stay in touch! The wedding was in California and I almost didn't get to go, but everything fell into place right at the last minute and I had the time of my life. Though I typically don't dance at things like weddings, and even told my friends I wasn't going to, our group actually started the dancing and ended it that night. Lots of liquid courage, and since I'm such a light drinker now, that led to a complete lack of inhibitions. Amazing.

8) My 25th birthday--May 4th, 2011. After working in the morning (and yes, I requested to), Caroline took me out to eat--and for a delicious margarita as you can see--at Taco Mac. Even though I'm celebrating with a bunch more people on Friday, it was very sweet of her to take me out on my actual birthday because my parents had to go out of town. I had a wonderful day, surrounded by friends and getting love from the ones who live far away. I'm truly blessed, and very, very loved.